WB Bad Romance: Boundaries
September 26, 2018
Like many professions, clergy inhabit a strange space of dual relationships with everyone they meet. At once you are both pastor AND… Pastor and neighbor. Pastor and friend. Pastor and client. Boundaries are not always clear, and when the pastor has spiritual authority over someone, especially someone who confides in them, it is up to the clergy person to clarify boundaries up front.
Therapists have an explicit code of conduct that mostly forbids dual relationships with their clients, which allows the client to fully trust that the therapist will truly never risk sharing anything you’ve brought in confidence. Pastors do not have this privilege, because they are not just your counselor, they teach you, they show up to your house when you’re grieving, they walk beside you through life, they equip you for ministry. There is always a danger that someone who opens up to their pastor things they have never told anyone else may suddenly find themselves desiring something more than a strictly professional relationship. And for the pastor who hasn’t clearly defined boundaries up front, the pastor who becomes increasingly isolated themselves, it is not difficult for these intimate conversations to lead to inappropriate intimacy (Read more about Dual Relationships here).
As we continue to explore John Wesley’s missionary journey to Georgia (start here if you’re just joining us!), we’re digging into John’s first real love, his parishioner Sophy Hopkey. At first, Wesley was resolved to pursue no romantic interests, and though he regularly met with Sophy, he was not remarkably attracted to her personality. Believe it or not, it was Sophy’s aunt and caregiver, Mrs. Causton, who kept pushing the two towards romance, hoping to marry Sophy off to a decent person with a steady job (Sophy’s previous love was a bit of a scoundrel doing jail time). Even Gov. James Oglethorpe had set it up for John and Sophy to have a private boat ride together to…get to know one another.
Sophy was 18 years old, and seemed very committed to learning the Christian faith from John, which flattered him greatly. She was afraid of her jailed ex-boyfriend, who threatened to kill any man that would get close to her. She was also uncomfortable living with her uncle, Mr. Causton, who had lost his political office after John Wesley ratted him out to the Governor. John offered her asylum in his parsonage, or with the Moravians. The boundaries between John and Sophy continued to change, and it seems clear that both were regularly confused by each other’s intentions.
After casting lots and discussing his love life with his Moravian friend, August Spanenberg, John decided to recommit to his vow of celibacy. He convinced himself that Sophy would understand because he had misinterpreted most of her romantic cues. When you read his journal, it’s clear that John really believed there was no point that he overstepped his boundaries or did anything inappropriate. This will become important as we wrap our story up in the next few weeks.
While our Catholic brothers and sisters continue to be wrecked by clergy who have wildly over-stepped boundaries, we are left to check our own motives in our relationships. Whether you are the clergy in a dual relationship with the church member, or the church member in a dual relationship with the clergy, give some prayerful thought to the healthy boundaries that will help that relationship thrive. If you find yourself having intimate feelings towards another that would inappropriately cross that boundary, DO NOT BE ASHAMED to confess that to a trusted friend…and then intentionally draw a better boundary.
Hiding these feelings, keeping them to yourself, only promotes a sense of both shame and thrill. Keeping it to yourself ensures that you have no accountability to prevent you from dipping your toe just a little bit further in. It is natural and okay to experience attraction and desire, it is not inherently shameful. Pursuing holiness, wholeness, or as John Wesley calls it, Christian perfection, means acknowledging that attraction to a trusted friend who will hold you accountable, who will check in on you to make sure you are setting better boundaries. It’s the covering up and the hiding that allow these sorts of boundaries to get crossed. Saying No to Say Yes is a fantastic resource on the subject of setting better everyday boundaries so that major boundaries don’t get crossed.
My prayer for you is that you receive the grace and acceptance God has for you, and find joy in setting healthy limits and life-giving boundaries.
When not drawing the Wesley Bros cartoon, the Rev. Charlie Baber, a United Methodist deacon, serves as minister of discipleship for youth and families at Highland United Methodist Church in Raleigh, N.C. His cartoon appears on United Methodist Insight by special arrangement.