Emotional space
This has been an eventful year for my denomination, The United Methodist Church. In February, a special session of delegates from around the world met. Their decisions created a crisis over the church’s stance on LGBTQ inclusion. I recently recorded a podcast episode as to how this crisis can be a good thing.
One result has been that conservatives and progressives are coming to the conclusion that it’s time to stop fighting and time to find a new way. What that looks like, remains to be seen. However, the most important thing we can do is to create emotional space for each other.
Emotional space occurs when each person feels comfortable with being themselves, without feeling the need to define the other. Emotional space empowers autonomy.
The most powerful impact of a non-anxious leader is that she creates emotional space. This, by itself, helps to reduce anxiety in others. Here are three things that help.
Say what you believe AND give others the freedom to disagree.
One of the quickest ways to eliminate emotional space is to define another person. If you say what you believe and then expect others to agree with you, then you are not only defining yourself, you are also defining others. This is a surefire way to invite resistance, debate and anxiety.
Conversely, giving others the freedom to disagree invites others to share authentically without feeling the need to convince you. Even when the other tries to anxiously define you there are ways to respond.
“Hey, you don’t have to agree with me, I just want you to know what I think.”
“I care what you think, even if we disagree.”
It takes awareness and intentionality to remain a non-anxious presence. If you can do this, it creates emotional space.
Recognize the difference between process and content.
Understanding emotional process helps to discern what is going on in a conversation. If someone is defining herself in a non-anxious way, then she is already creating emotional space. In this case, you can feel free to engage in a healthy conversation.
If someone is defining you, especially if she is anxious, then you want to be careful. In this case, the emotional process taking place is that the other is anxious and she is displacing that on you. If you engage in defending yourself or try to convince her that you are wrong, things will degenerate quickly. Emotional space will vanish.
Getting involved in the content of the issue when someone is unleashing anxiety on you will get you nowhere. What they are doing is looking for a fight as a way to displace their pain. That’s the emotional process. If you give them the fight they’re looking for, you are helping them to avoid their own issues. And, you’ll never win.
My rule of thumb in this situation is this: Don’t argue. Don’t agree. This can help you remain non-anxious, which will create emotional space.
This leads to the third thing.
Listen.
Listening is the best way to be a non-anxious presence. It helps you to keep your anxiety in check, because you don’t have to defend yourself or argue your position. It keeps you emotionally present because you are focused on hearing what the other has to say.
Listening enables you to avoid arguing, as well as to avoid agreeing with an anxious other.
I have engaged in countless situations where someone has unleashed their anxiety on me. Sometimes they were angry at me. Other times they were angry at something or someone else and they were triangling me. By listening, I was able to create emotional space. Often, the anxiety of the other would eventually dissipate. Then they would say, “Thanks for listening. I feel better now.” It doesn’t always happen that way, but it’s better than getting into fight you can’t win.
Effective leaders create healthy emotional space. Doing this will help you and those you work with be their best.
Jack Shitama
Rev. Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland. This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.