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Question Mark
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Brandon Lazarus
The Rev. Brandon C. Lazarus
A little while ago I read something a friend of mine wrote and it troubled me. What troubled me was not so much what he said but how he said it. I found his tone to be angry, flippant, and demeaning. I wrote last time about my participation in Wesleyan class meetings and that accountability is important to me. I think the United Methodist Church would do well with less judgment and more accountability. Since he is someone I know well and we have practiced accountability in different fashions, I decided to reach out to him.
I sent him a message letting him know that his writing seemed more like an angry tirade than a desire for holy conferencing and conversation. He responded saying that although he appreciated the accountability, he wasn’t really in a good place. I went on to further explain how I interpreted his writing and told him he should have done more to encourage dialogue rather than shut down those who disagreed with him. He responded in a manner I initially thought to be defensive so I ended the conversation figuring I would talk to him later when he had time to think about it.
Brother, I know you are reading this and I have already said this, but I need to say it again. I’m sorry, I’m a hypocrite, and in trying to hold you accountable it turns out I was the one who needed to be held accountable. In responding to you in the way I did I failed to acknowledge who you are, how you felt, and how it was with your soul. Instead of talking to you, I talked about you. When I should have started with questions, I started with answers.
You see, I believe accountability is important, but when it comes to accountability I often find myself saying, “There is a fine line between accountability and judgment.” Frankly I say that a lot. I believe it, but I’m not sure I really ever knew what it meant or where the line was. In reflecting on this experience, I find the difference between accountability and judgment is the difference between questions and answers.
When I contacted my brother I started with an answer. The answer I gave him was that his tone was inappropriate and his writing did more to divide than to unite. The main problem with the answer I gave him is he never asked the question. Rather than sending him a text message with an answer he wasn’t looking for and wasn’t even right, I should have reached out to him with a question. A question like, “Brother, how is it with your soul? I read what you wrote, where is this coming from? How can I be in prayer or solidarity with you?” And most importantly I should have asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” Instead, I jumped in with what I thought was the answer he needed. My intent was to heal but my actions and words did otherwise. I responded in a way that did not show care for him, only in what he said and what I thought he should have said.
Accountability does not come through answers from without but answers from within. A healthy accountability comes from asking others questions so they can find the answers themselves. I find my greatest mentors ask me far more questions than they give me answers. They do not take me directly to where I want to go but rather walk along side me to where I need to go.
When we disagree with someone, whether it is what they say or how they say it, the best way forward is not to tell them how and why they’re wrong. Instead, approach your sister or brother with questions. Through your time of dialogue, maybe they will realize for themselves they were wrong. Or maybe, like in my case, you’ll realize it is you who is wrong and in need of repentance. Most likely, you are both wrong and your holy conversation will lead you both to the truth that can only come through the work of the Holy Spirit who calls us to reconciliation.
Brother, I am sorry for giving you all the answers (which were incorrect by the way) when what I should have come to the table with were questions. I promise to learn and grow from this experience and be a better brother in Christ. I promise to come to you not with answers, but with questions trusting full and well you will do the same for me.
The Rev. Brandon Lazarus is a recent graduate of Perkins School of Theology and a Licensed Local Pastor in the South Carolina Annual Conference. He has been appointed to serve as the Associate Pastor of First United Methodist Church in Clover, SC beginning June 25th. He contributes to the collaborative blog, UMC Lead.