Have you ever noticed how quickly we fill in the blanks?
- Someone doesn't return our call, and we assume they're upset with us.
- A church member resigns from a committee, and we conclude they're angry.
- A colleague seems distant, and we begin writing a story in our minds about what must have happened.
Most of us don't realize we're doing it. Our brains are remarkably efficient at creating explanations when we don't have all the information. Unfortunately, the stories we tell ourselves are often incomplete—or simply wrong.
Years ago, I learned that lesson in a church meeting.
There was a woman in the congregation with whom I'd always had a warm relationship. We had never had a disagreement. She was thoughtful, engaged, and supportive. So I was completely caught off guard when, during a committee meeting, she became unexpectedly angry with me. Her words were sharp, and the tension in the room was palpable.
If I'm honest, my feelings were hurt.
Part of me wanted to defend myself. Another part wanted to replay every comment I'd made, wondering what I'd done wrong.
But as a leader, I knew I had a choice.
I could react to her anger, or I could stay curious.
After the meeting ended, I quietly asked if she would stay behind for a moment.
When everyone else had left, I didn't challenge her or defend myself. I simply asked, "Hey...how are you?"
She immediately burst into tears.
Through her sobs, she told me that her husband had just been diagnosed with cancer. They were overwhelmed with fear, uncertainty, and dread. The committee meeting had simply become the place where all those emotions spilled over.
In that moment, everything changed.
What had felt personal wasn't personal at all.
Her reaction had very little to do with me and everything to do with the burden she was carrying.
I've never forgotten that conversation because it changed the way I think about people.
Every person we meet is carrying a story we cannot fully see.
- The volunteer who seems impatient.
- The teenager who appears disengaged.
- The pastor who seems unusually discouraged.
- The church member who criticizes every new idea.
- The cashier who barely looks up.
- The neighbor who snaps over something small.
Sometimes their behavior is about us.
Often, it isn't.
Curiosity invites us to pause before we decide. It asks, What else might be true?
I think curiosity is one of the most overlooked spiritual practices. It requires humility because it acknowledges that we don't know the whole story. It makes room for compassion before judgment.
Jesus modeled this beautifully. He asked questions that opened hearts rather than closed conversations. Again and again, he chose relationship over assumption.
I've discovered that some of the most powerful words we can say are these:
"Help me understand."
Or perhaps even more simply:
"How are you?"
Those questions communicate something profound: I care more about understanding you than winning this conversation.
Curiosity doesn't mean we avoid difficult conversations or excuse hurtful behavior. It means we begin by seeking understanding before drawing conclusions.
In today's world, certainty often comes quickly. Compassion takes a little longer.
But I have found that flourishing people choose compassion anyway.
They remain open.
They listen generously.
They resist the temptation to assume.
And in doing so, they often discover that beneath someone's anger is fear...beneath criticism is grief...beneath impatience is pain.
Perhaps this week there's someone in your life whose story you don't yet know.
Instead of assuming, what if you simply asked, "How are you?"
You might be surprised by the answer.
Until next week, may we keep learning, growing, and flourishing together.
Teresa Angle-Young is a United Methodist clergy, Master Certified Coach, author, and educator who helps clergy and congregations flourish. She is a co-owner of the Clergy Coaching Network and creator of courses and resources focused on leadership, grief, church growth, and healthy ministry. She is co-author of the book, Creation's Call.
September 17 Webinar with Teresa Angle-Young
Join Teresa on Thursday, September 17 for her CEU 1-hour webinar at ClergyEducation.com titled, "Every Pastor is a Grief Pastor."