Some people have a remarkable ability to remain calm when everyone around them is losing theirs.
Over the years, I've worked intentionally to become one of those people.
That doesn't mean I don't feel the emotions in the room. I do. I can feel hurt, frustrated, angry, or defensive just like anyone else. But I've learned that feeling an emotion and acting from that emotion are two very different things.
This has been especially important in leadership. When a meeting suddenly becomes contentious, when someone is angry with me, or when I feel misunderstood or unfairly criticized, I try to remember that I don't have to match the emotional energy coming toward me. I get to choose what I bring into the room.
I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about Abigail, the remarkable woman whose story appears in 1 Samuel 25. I wrote the chapter about her for the book Her Faith Still Speaks, and while I originally approached her story through one lens, I continue to discover new things about her.
One of the things that strikes me now is her extraordinary composure.
The story begins with an insult. David and his men had provided protection for the shepherds and flocks belonging to a wealthy man named Nabal. When David later sent messengers asking Nabal for provisions, Nabal responded contemptuously.
David was furious. He gathered his men and set out for Nabal's household with revenge in mind.
Enter Abigail.
She was Nabal's wife, and she suddenly found herself standing between two angry men whose actions threatened an entire household. She had not created the conflict, but she understood immediately what was at stake.
What Abigail does next is worth noticing. She doesn't panic. She doesn't match David's anger. She doesn't waste precious time arguing with Nabal. Instead, she gathers provisions, goes out to meet David, and speaks to him calmly and strategically.
Abigail understands something I've experienced again and again: emotions are contagious.
There is a term for what can happen between us in emotionally charged moments: co-regulation. Our nervous systems respond to one another. Anxiety can amplify anxiety, anger can provoke anger, but calm can also invite calm.
I've witnessed this many times in my work as a hospital chaplain. I may walk into a room where a patient or family is frightened, overwhelmed, or emotionally charged. I cannot change the diagnosis or take away the uncertainty that brought them there. But I can pay attention to what I bring into the room.
I can slow my breathing, soften my voice, listen without rushing, and remain grounded when everything around them feels anything but grounded. Often, something begins to shift. Their breathing slows. Their voices soften. The emotional intensity in the room begins to settle.
My calm can help them find their own calm.
We co-regulate.
The opposite happens, too. Anger can spread through a committee meeting, a family gathering, a workplace, or a congregation with astonishing speed. One sharp comment produces another. Voices rise. People become defensive. Before long, everyone is reacting to everyone else's reaction instead of addressing the problem that started the conflict.
Abigail interrupts that cycle.
She cannot control David's emotional state, but she refuses to be governed by it. Her composure isn't weakness, and it certainly isn't passivity. She takes decisive action. She tells the truth. She speaks courageously to a man surrounded by armed warriors who is intent on revenge.
But she brings something different into the encounter: calm, clarity, and wisdom.
And David begins to regulate, too.
He listens. He recognizes that his anger is leading him toward an action he may later regret, and he turns back. One emotionally grounded person changes what happens next.
Maintaining composure doesn't mean suppressing our feelings or pretending we aren't hurt, angry, or afraid. Our emotions provide important information. The challenge is learning to listen to them without handing them the microphone.
Sometimes the most faithful response is to pause before answering, lower our voice instead of raising it, ask a question, or simply listen long enough to understand what is actually happening.
We live in a culture that often rewards immediate reaction. But flourishing asks something different of us. It asks us to become people who can remain grounded when the room is not, people whose presence lowers the temperature rather than raises it.
Composure isn't passivity.
Sometimes composure is the most powerful thing in the room.
The next time emotions run high, what do you want to bring into the room?
Until next week, may we keep learning, growing, and flourishing together.
The Rev. Dr. Teresa Angle-Young
Teresa Angle-Young is a United Methodist clergy, Master Certified Coach, author, and educator who helps clergy and congregations flourish. She is a co-owner of the Clergy Coaching Network and creator of courses and resources focused on leadership, grief, church growth, and healthy ministry. She is co-author of the book, Creation's Call.
December 3 Webinar with Teresa Angle-Young
Join Teresa on December 3 for her CEU 1-hour webinar at ClergyEducation.com titled, "Every Pastor is a Grief Pastor."