New School
It’s appointment season in the United Methodist Church. Changes in appointments can be disruptive to home and family life, especially if the move isn’t just across town. Balancing family life during leadership transition is a vital part of the process.
In last week’s blog, I discussed the emotional rollercoaster that comes with clergy transitions. And the very real sense of loss that can accompany leaving a church community behind. This week, I am going to take a look at the toll transitions can have on your own family. Packing up and moving, or even simply changing churches in the same town, can be just as disruptive for your spouse and children as it is for you.
Before we talk about how to support your family during your appointment change, we need to address the misconception that appointment season affects you more than them!
Tipped Scales
During, and for some time after you move, your stress levels are likely to skyrocket. This can create a tense atmosphere at home, impacting everyone’s emotional well-being. The long hours and unexpected meetings will likely disrupt established family routines. Quality family time might take a backseat which can leave your family feeling lost or uncertain about their own place in the new dynamic.
Keep in mind that you, as clergy, have a purpose. This path is your choice and you welcome and accept it. But each member of your family will experience their own feelings and responses to change. Your spouse, like you, has likely been very active in your church community. He or she is leaving them, too; as well as their close friends outside of church. While your partner is supporting you in the transition, are your partner and your family’s feelings getting lost in the shuffle?
As you’re practicing self-care for your own emotional upsets, the scale may tip with the weight of the move on your family’s emotions.
5 Tips for Balancing Family Life
It’s not always easy to bring the emotional scale into balance, but I’ve got some tips that have helped both me, and pastor friends, through years of appointment transitions.
1) Acknowledge Their Feelings: Your partner and family have seen how the upcoming move has affected you. Chances are they’ve supported you through appointment changes before. Maybe transitions in the past haven’t gone well, or easily.
But you can make this one go as smoothly as possible by acknowledging that your family is also experiencing the anxiety and stress of change. Acknowledge how this disrupts them, too. Really listen to their concerns. And reassure them that you’ll get through this together.
2) Involve Them in the Process: Let your family know you value their input. Discuss how you can adjust schedules or responsibilities to accommodate the changes.
Make sure to find what they need and love in your new area. The public library or swimming pool, the nearest playground, pottery classes, dance schools, sports clubs. The quicker they get involved, the easier their adjustment.
3) Family Time, Revamped: The transition might disrupt your usual routines. Rethink family time – maybe it’s shorter bursts of quality time throughout the day instead of long, pre-planned outings.
This is a perfect chance to hit the reset button and create new family routines and traditions. Brainstorm ideas together – a weekly game night, a family movie marathon, or even a dedicated “check-in” time where everyone shares their highs and lows of the week.
Creating new traditions adds a special twist to a change that may not always feel like a lot of fun!
4) Reassure the Kids: If you have children, they may blame you for tearing them away from best friends, sports teams, and dance lessons. Try telling an upcoming high school senior that he’s moving to another state and changing schools! He’s been the newcomer before and he may have dared to imagine that he’d be graduating with people he knew.
Young ones don’t have the years of experience to understand that they’ll make new and lasting friendships. Focus on the adventure of seeing new places and meeting new people.
But don’t minimize their loss; leaving friends can hit young lives profoundly.
5) Prioritize Self-Care (For Everyone!): Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Make self-care a priority for yourself and your family. Schedule relaxing activities, encourage healthy habits, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you, your partner, or your children, need it.
Remember, leadership transitions are a marathon, not a sprint. By following these tips and working together as a unit, your family can not only survive this transition but emerge stronger. Transitions of all kinds are a normal part of life and open communication, empathy, and a little creativity can go a long way in balancing a healthy family life with your appointment change.
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