Photo: designer491 via Jack Shitama
Note: This post is based on Episode 192 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast.
Emotional Intelligence is what self-differentiation looks like in practice.
Daniel Goleman’s model of emotional intelligence names four components: self‑awareness, self‑management, social awareness, and relationship management.
- Self‑awareness comes first for a reason. Without the ability to recognize what’s happening inside of you, you can’t regulate yourself in any meaningful way.
- Self‑management is self‑regulation in action. If you can’t steady yourself, you can’t be emotionally intelligent, and you certainly can’t be self‑differentiated.
- Social awareness expands your perspective. It’s the ability to read the emotional process in an interaction and in the larger system—seeing process, not content.
- Relationship management is the capacity to remain a non‑anxious presence, especially when things get tense. It’s self‑differentiation in practice, self-defining while staying emotionally connected.
When leaders operate this way, it invites others to become more self‑aware and intentional.
The idea for this post came an article by Marcel Schwantes, 6 Super Effective Ways to Show Your Emotional Intelligence at Work. Here’s my family systems take.
1. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings
This is self‑awareness, and it begins with paying attention to two things: your feelings and your thoughts. I’m reversing the order here, because feelings almost always show up first. They rise automatically and signal that something is happening in your internal emotional process. Pausing, then naming what you’re feeling—and noticing where it’s coming from—gives you a clearer grip on yourself.
Your thoughts come next. This is where you engage your thinking brain and choose to be intentional. Thoughtfulness is the first step toward self‑definition: clarifying your goals, your values, and the way you want to live them out.
2. Test your optimism
People with high emotional intelligence tend to have realistic optimism. Schwantes offers three questions that help you test whether you’re staying in that healthy space:
- Am I assuming this is permanent? When you lose perspective, a single challenge can feel endless, as if things will never improve.
- Am I treating this as pervasive? Your mind jumps to worst‑case scenarios, and one difficulty starts to feel like it defines everything.
- Am I giving up my power? When you tell yourself there’s nothing you can do, you surrender the only real power you have—the power to choose your response.
These questions help you distinguish between a challenge and a problem. Life is full of challenges; they become problems when anxiety takes over and you lose the ability to respond in a healthy, intentional way.
3. Focus on what you can control
As noted, the only thing you can truly control is your response. Leadership through self‑differentiation is the ability to express your goals and values in healthy ways while staying emotionally connected to the people around you. That’s the part of the process that belongs to you. The starting point is self‑definition, clarifying what you believe. Then you can respond with intention rather than reactivity.
4. Take a six-second pause
I emphasize self‑regulation often. The ability to pause is what moves you from the primitive part of your brain to the thinking part, where you can choose your response instead of reacting automatically. If there’s one practice that will make you a more non‑anxious (or at least less anxious) leader, this is it. Without self‑regulation, you end up spending your energy cleaning up the fallout from your automatic reactions. With it, you create the space to respond with clarity, steadiness, and intention.
5. Tap into kindness wherever you go
This is about emotional connection, and the research is encouraging. Even brief interactions with strangers improve your wellbeing. They meet a basic human need for connection, and they’re often easier than engaging with the anxious or reactive people in your own relationship systems. These small moments of connection don’t just lift your mood — they widen your perspective and help you see your own situation with more clarity and less anxiety.
6. Ask for feedback
If connecting with strangers improves wellbeing, this step is practicing emotional connection with the people you interact with every day in your family of origin, your congregation, or your organization.
I read that in Erie, Pennsylvania, a local company put up signs around town that read “Be curious, not judgmental.” It’s reminder that curiosity is one of the most effective ways to stay connected without getting pulled into the anxiety of the system.
Curiosity lets you engage even the most reactive people without slipping into a power struggle. Ask a question. Ask for feedback. Be genuinely curious about their experience. A wise pastor once told me that people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Curiosity keeps the connection open, and it helps you maintain a non‑anxious presence.
To me, whether you call it emotional intelligence or self-differentiation, it looks the same. It’s leading with your thinking brain, instead reacting automatically. It’s what non-anxious leaders do. These six actions can help.
Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama is an ordained minister in The United Methodist Church and currently serves as the Director of the Center for Vital Leadership for UMC churches in the District of Columbia, Maryland and Delaware.