Tug of war
Photo: lurii
If you’ve ever been shamed into doing something you didn’t want to do, then you’ve experienced surrounding togetherness pressure. This is the conscious or unwitting pressure from others in any system (family, congregation or organization) to conform to the will of others.
What do you mean you won’t be home for the holidays?
You didn’t check with me before you decided to go on vacation?
We’ve never done it this way before.
These are all examples of surrounding togetherness pressure. I’m sure you can come up with your own examples.
Self-differentiation is the ability to claim your own goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. It’s about being a “self,” being an individual.
But self-differentiation is never about disconnecting emotionally. An emotionally healthy person is able to say what she believes, what she wants to do, without getting angry or defensive. She is able to be a non-anxious presence, even when she feels anxious inside.
Every system has a natural force for togetherness. It’s what we have in common and binds us together. At the same time, self-differentiation requires that we honor who we are (and who others are) as an individual.
There is a constant tension between the force for togetherness and the need for individuality.
The challenge is avoiding the tendency to swing in either extreme.
At one extreme is the desire to please, the need to conform, so that one never expresses her individuality.
At the other extreme is the need to be one’s self, to be an individual to the point of writing off what matters to others.
Neither extreme is healthy. Living in the tension is hard, but it’s also the best way to live with yourself and others. There are no right or wrong answers. It’s up to you to choose.
So when you decide to conform to the surrounding togetherness pressure it’s OK. It’s your choice. Just don’t get resentful of others and blame them for your choice.
And if you decide to resist the surrounding togetherness pressure that’s OK, too. Just don’t get defensive, argumentative or, worse yet, distance yourself emotionally. If you want to be an individual, you still need to show others that you care about them.
It’s not easy. But if you can balance the tension between togetherness and individuality, if you can live in the middle, then you will be better able to live with yourself and with others. It’s worth the work.
Recommendations
Can a Boundary Become Unhealthy? by Alison Cook. Healthy boundaries can help us live in the tension between individuality and togetherness. Unhealthy ones make it more difficult. Cook shows us the difference and has some great questions to help you do better. Note: I believe the second two bullet points in the "Boundaries are too rigid" section should begin w/some version of "avoid."
Owning Your Decision by Jake Morrill. Surrounding togetherness pressure makes it difficult to own our decisions. Self-differentiation is about taking responsibility for them. Morrill uses an example of a CEO's quandary to illustrate the difference. His take: there's a difference between "have to" and "choose to." Good stuff!
Podcast
Episode 213 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Why a Quick Fix Is No Answer, is now available.
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