A porcupine couple hiberates closely together, but far enough apart not to injure one another with their spines. (Photo by Photo: charlottebleijenberg)
Special to United Methodist Insight | March 3, 2026
Emotional space is a tricky thing. People need space to be themselves. But without healthy emotional connection we can’t experience life fully. This is the difference between independence and interdependence.
In his book, "Morality," Jonathan Sacks shares an analogy. It’s like porcupines sleeping in winter. They need each other to keep warm. But if they get too close, they will poke each other with their spines. This hurts. It’s not too good for sleeping, either. If they get too far apart, they will freeze.
Kathleen Smith, in her article The Cycle of Overfunctioning and Distancing, offers a practical lens for understanding how our anxieties affect emotional space. Her insights, paired with Edwin Friedman’s notion of the “sweet spot” in emotional space, challenge us to rethink how to stay connected without collapsing boundaries.
When Emotional Space Gets Too Tight
Friedman observed that when people get too close emotionally, reactivity often follows. Some may become defensive or argumentative (reactivity), while others may adapt by giving in (adaptivity). Both scenarios reflect unhealthy closeness. In the first, conflict arises because one person is trying to control the other. In the second, fusion occurs—one person calls the shots while the other complies. While fusion may appear stable for a time, it erodes differentiation. Eventually, resentment builds, and the underfunctioning partner pushes back. In both cases, emotional space has collapsed, leaving little room for individuality or responsibility.
When Emotional Space Expands Too Far
On the opposite end, too much emotional distance also creates problems. Pursuit and criticism are common responses to perceived disconnection. Pursuit looks like repeated attempts to close the gap—“Hey, can we get together?”—which often annoys the distancing person and drives them further away. Criticism, though seemingly negative, is also a bid for closeness. When someone feels disconnected but doesn’t know how to bridge the gap, they may resort to fault‑finding. Both behaviors reveal anxiety about the relationship, but neither fosters healthy connection.
Overfunctioning and Distancing: Two Sides of the Same Coin
Smith candidly shares her own tendency to overfunction—throwing energy into projects and wondering why others don’t match her enthusiasm. Overfunctioning vaporizes emotional space by taking responsibility for another’s choices. Predictably, it promotes underfunctioning in the other person. When frustration sets in, the overfunctioner may swing to the opposite extreme: distancing. Both patterns are ways of managing discomfort rather than staying present with our own anxiety. Whether we overfunction or withdraw, the root issue is the same: difficulty tolerating another person’s autonomy.
The Practice of Responsible Connection
So how do you avoid these extremes? Smith offers practical strategies for staying responsibly connected:
- Stay connected even when frustrated. Frustration is YOUR feeling to manage, not a license to control others. A leader might say, “I’m frustrated, but I realize this is not my responsibility,” thereby acknowledging emotion without collapsing boundaries.
- Resist the urge to take over. When tasks go undone, let the system feel the consequences. Overfunctioning perpetuates underfunctioning. People are more likely to take responsibility for self when they feel the pain of the situation.
- Focus on patterns, not personalities. Instead of blaming individuals, ask what dynamics in the system encourage certain behaviors. A pastor in a “pastor‑centric” church may recognize that the system itself fosters dependency, and work to create space for lay leadership.
- Manage your own reactivity. Self‑regulation is key. Ask, “What is making me anxious here?” and choose connection without control.
- Cultivate curiosity in one‑on‑one relationships. Explore passions, hobbies, and family life. Curiosity builds connection beyond areas of anxiety and avoids the trap of telling others what to do.
- Clarify your responsibility. Reflect on what belongs to you and what belongs to the group. Share your perspective without dictating outcomes. This balance allows others to think for themselves.
- Treat others as thinkers. Offer your beliefs but leave space for others to decide how they will contribute. Healthy leadership respects autonomy while remaining engaged.
Leadership and Emotional Space
For leaders, the temptation to overfunction is strong. Families, congregations and organizations often lean on one person to carry the load. Yet true leadership involves creating emotional space where others can step up. By staying responsibly connected—neither over‑involved nor cut off—we foster resilience and differentiation in the system. Leaders who model responsible connection show that it is possible to care deeply without controlling outcomes.
When a woman in a church I served stepped away from producing the newsletter, there was a long stretch where no one filled the gap. Rather than overfunctioning by taking on the task myself or distancing by ignoring the issue, I learned to stay responsibly connected. When congregants came to me and said, “We sure miss the newsletter.” I learned to manage my own anxiety and not theirs. My response? “I miss the newsletter, too.”
Over time, the absence created space for others to step up, and eventually two women volunteered—one to gather content and the other to handle layout—demonstrating how allowing the system to feel the consequences of inaction can encourage healthier shared responsibility.
The Art of Staying Connected
Remaining responsibly connected is more art than science. You will get it wrong as often as you get it right. But awareness of emotional space gives you a better chance of leading effectively into uncertain futures. Overfunctioning and distancing are both responses to anxiety. The path forward is not to eliminate discomfort, but to manage your own reactions while staying present. Self-differentiation means caring without controlling, leading without dominating, and staying engaged without withdrawing.
Conclusion
Healthy emotional space is the foundation of differentiated relationships. Overfunctioning collapses that space; distancing stretches it too far. Both are driven by anxiety, and both undermine connection. The challenge is to remain responsibly connected—to acknowledge your feelings, manage your reactivity, and respect the autonomy of others.
As a leader, friend, and family member, your task is not to tell people what to do or to cut them off when they disagree. It is to stay present, to share your perspective, and to create space where others can take responsibility for themselves. In that sweet spot of emotional space, relationships flourish, systems grow stronger, and leadership becomes truly transformative.
Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama is an ordained minister in The United Methodist Church and currently serves as the Director of the Center for Vital Leadership for UMC churches in the District of Columbia, Maryland and Delaware.