Unicyclist
Photo: DesignPicsInc
Edwin Friedman identified eleven tensions that a leader must manage. The goal is to maintain a sweet spot between two ends of a continuum. And, while it would be great to hold things in perfect balance, the image that comes to mind is a unicyclist. They are constantly moving forward and backwards to stay in balance. In similar fashion, the non-anxious leader needs to recognize when to move in one direction or the other to find the sweet spot in any given situation.
Tension 1: Emotional Connection and Self-Definition
These are the two components of self-differentiation and, if they aren’t held in balance, anxiety in the system will increase. Self-differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values in a healthy way in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure.
Self-definition is expressing your own goals and values. Surrounding togetherness pressure demands emotional connection to the point of going with the group instead of what you believe. The challenge is to self-define WHILE remaining emotionally connected.
If you self-define, but disconnect, anxiety will increase and dysfunction will intensify. And, of course, if you just give in to the surrounding togetherness pressure you are no longer self-defining.
As a leader, you want to be aware of the situation so you know which way to lean. There will be times when you decide that it’s OK to give in to surrounding togetherness pressure because emotional connection is needed. There will be other times when you know that taking a stand that reflects your own goals and values is the only way to lead where you believe God is calling you to go.
It’s in this latter case that, even though you are taking a stand and leaning toward self-definition, that you must stay connected to the most anxious in the relationship system.
Freidman would say the hardest thing is to be a self, while remaining emotionally connected.
The important thing about staying connected is to show that you care about others while avoiding a conflict of wills. Listen to them. Show you care. Don’t argue, don’t agree. If you must, say something like, “I could be wrong, but this is what I believe. It’s OK with me if we don’t agree.”
Staying connected to the most anxious won’t change their minds. It WILL help to reduce their anxiety. It won’t eliminate their anxiety AND they might still act up. But things will be a lot better than if you take a stand and disconnect emotionally.
Of course, the key here is awareness. Keep an eye out for who is most anxious. Look inside yourself, as well, and acknowledge any fears or resistance you have to connecting with them. This is natural. Very few of us want to move closer to those who seemingly want to give us a hard time. Remind yourself that this is not about you but is about what is going on inside of them. Then show compassion even as you remain firm.
The reason Friedman calls this a tension is because it’s not easy. But if you want to lead effectively, you have to be willing to lean into the tension as a non-anxious presence.
Recommendations
If you're a procrastinator (like me), then you'll find this week's recommendations helpful.
Why You Should Skip the Easy Wins and Tackle the Hard Task First by Roberta Kwok. Progress is your biggest motivator but it needs to be the right kind of progress. If you want to make an impact, it means tackling difficult stuff. This article will show you how.
4 WAYS TO PROCRASTINATE SUCCESSFULLY by Dan Rockwell. This articles offers four ways that you can make it easier to do the hard things. It's a great complement to the above article.
Podcast
Episode 220 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Taking Responsibility for Self Can Increase Resilience, is now available.