Garbage cans
Depositphotos Image
There’s one thing I know: when a holiday falls on a Monday, all garbage collection moves back by one day that week. Even though I knew this, I went online and checked my account to confirm that our normal Wednesday collection was rescheduled for Thursday. It was.
However, when I woke up Wednesday morning, all the other neighbors had their cans out on the street. I said to my wife, “I’m SURE tomorrow is collection day. But everybody else has their cans out.”
She asked, “Do you want to be right or…?”
It’s good question because I like to be right. But I also didn’t want to have my recyclable can stuffed for the next two weeks. So I succumbed to surrounding togetherness pressure. I put the cans out.
Sure enough, no collection on Wednesday. I had the satisfaction of knowing I was right. But I also had the shame of knowing I had buckled to surrounding togetherness pressure.
This illustrates that surrounding togetherness pressure isn’t always intentional. Usually it’s not. It’s the unthinking ways that we conform to the norms of the system we are in, whether it’s a family, church, organization or neighborhood.
I don’t believe that my neighbors we’re trying to shame me into conforming to their norms. I don’t think they really care if my recycling can is overflowing for two weeks. But I felt the pressure.
When you’re feeling pressure to conform don’t blame others. Remind yourself that the pressure is in you and that you have the option to decide how to respond.
You can conform, which is what I did. But I didn’t do it because I felt like I had to be like everyone else. I weighed the upside and downside of not conforming and realized that there was really no downside to conforming. AND there was a huge downside to not conforming. Every situation is different. Awareness and intentionality are the key.
Surrounding togetherness pressure can be a good thing, too. It can create a desire to conform for the common good, as in wearing a mask. Just yesterday I was in a grocery store. During my time there I noticed two people who weren’t wearing masks. Surprisingly, one of them was a store employee.
What struck me was how quickly a norm is established. Two months ago a mask in a store meant a robbery. Now a person without one is the oddball.
What also struck me was that sometimes the pressure to conform creates a feeling of rebellion in us. Sometimes we don’t want to conform because we don’t like the pressure of the herd mentality. That was a part of what I was feeling with the garbage cans. I suppose that’s maybe why some people don’t wear a mask. But maybe not.
I’ve learned a couple things over the years. One is not to judge peoples’ actions, but to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they forgot their mask and didn’t even realize they weren’t wearing one. We never really know what another’s situation is like. Giving others the benefit of the doubt has saved me a lot of angst.
Another thing I’ve learned is nobody likes to be told what to do. I’m not sure there’s a good way to tell a total stranger what they should do with their life, including to wear a mask. And I’ve realized that I can only take responsibility for myself. So if somebody doesn’t wear a mask, I’ll just do my best to steer clear of them.
When you’re facing surrounding togetherness pressure, whether real or perceived, you have two choices: conform or not conform. Either way is fine as long as you take responsibility for your choice. Conforming or not isn’t what matters. It’s whether or not your own anxiety makes things worse.
This week take a look around you. Notice the things that create pressure to conform. Notice how you respond. Ask yourself if you’d like to do it differently. If so, try it. If you do it with awareness and intentionality, taking responsibility for your own choice, you’re likely to be better off for it.
Jack Shitama 2019
Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland. This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.
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