Negotiations
Photo: iLixe48
Two of my favorite authors are Adam Grant and Simon Sinek. I have recommended their books on my Two for Tuesday emails. I find them insightful, innovative and compelling. I believe their work has made me a better leader.
I was listening to Sinek’s newest book and was amused to hear him talk about the competition he felt over the years with Adam Grant. He admitted that he would regularly check the author rankings. If he ranked higher than Grant, he would gloat. If Grant was ranked higher, he felt annoyed.
Sinek went on to say that this all changed when he and Grant were invited to share the stage at a conference. They had spoken at conferences before, but they had never shared the stage. To make things even more uncomfortable, the organizers asked each author to introduce the other. Sinek went first and told Grant he made him feel insecure, and his work exhibited strengths that exposed Sinek’s weaknesses. Grant responded by saying the insecurity was mutual. Sinek and Grant have gone on to be good friends and worthy rivals.
This story got me thinking about how we define ourselves. When we are defining ourselves in comparison to another person, we are not self-differentiating. Comparisons are a fool’s game. They can make us feel mistakenly superior or irrationally inferior to another. Further, instead of taking responsibility for self, we focus on others. Instead of trying to get better at what we do, we focus on trying to be better than someone else. This might work in the short term and get results, but it will likely result in greater anxiety and less ability to regulate emotions.
One of the healthiest things we can do is focus on our own efforts without worrying about results. If things go well, we can be grateful. If they don’t, we can learn from it.
Another thing we can do is to celebrate the successes of others. Whether it’s a family member, a coworker or even somebody else who is in the same line of work as us (you might call this a competitor), their success does not define who we are. Developing feelings of resentment, envy and/or inferiority will make it even harder to take responsibility for ourselves, and even harder to make our best efforts.
On the other hand, when we celebrate what other people do, it can inspire us. It can be a reminder that, we too, can give our best effort. We can focus on who we are, what we believe and how we live our values. We can take responsibility for self, without worrying about how we compare to others. This will make us better leaders.