Image Courtesy of Jack Shitama
This post is based on Episode 195 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast.
When you think about effective leadership, it’s easy to focus on strategy, communication techniques, or organizational structure. Those things matter, but they don’t get to the heart of why some leaders are able to bring a non-anxious presence to anxious systems, while others get swept up in the emotional processes around them. The real work begins with understanding leadership through self‑differentiation. This is the foundation of leading as a non‑anxious presence, and it’s where this four‑part series begins.
Self‑differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values in a healthy way while staying emotionally connected to the people around you. It sounds simple, but the surrounding togetherness pressure that exists in every relationship system—families, congregations and organizations—makes it difficult. That pressure shows up in subtle and predictable ways: expectations about how holidays “should” be celebrated, assumptions about career choices, or the familiar refrain, “We’ve never done it this way before.” These pressures are not malicious. They are simply the system’s way of maintaining homeostasis or equilibrium.
The challenge is that equilibrium often resists growth. Any time you try to lead, you are introducing change and change naturally generates resistance. That resistance is not a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that you are doing the work of leadership. In A Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman wrote that you are not leading unless you are facing resistance. Why?
Because leadership involves change and change brings resistance.
When you are leading, you are seeking to move the system to a better place. If you’re not doing this, you are managing, not leading.
The question is, when you are leading, can remain a non‑anxious presence in the face of resistance?
A non‑anxious presence is not detached or aloof. It is not forceful or domineering. It is the capacity to say, “This is where I believe we need to go,” while staying connected to the people who disagree, resist, or push back. It is the ability to define yourself without attacking others and to stay in relationship without giving up your own integrity. Friedman captured this tension well when he wrote that the hardest task is to be a self while remaining connected to others.
This balance between self‑definition and emotional connection is the core of leadership through self‑differentiation. Lean too far toward self‑definition without connection, and you drift into narcissism—clear about your own goals but indifferent to the impact on others. Lean too far toward connection without self‑definition, and you lose your sense of self. You’ll be constantly adapting, accommodating, and absorbing the anxiety of the system. The work is to stand in the middle, grounded in your own values while remaining open, curious, and connected.
Understanding this balance becomes even more important when you consider how emotional triangles operate. A triangle forms whenever two people are uncomfortable with each other and shift their focus to a third person or issue. This is not intentional. It is an automatic emotional process.
Murray Bowen called the triangle the most stable form of human relationship. Why? Because most people are not consistently self‑differentiated, and that makes two‑person relationships feel too intense or too exposed. A third point of focus relieves the tension.
Triangles show up everywhere. A couple avoids their own discomfort by focusing on a career, a child, or a habit. A congregant displaces unresolved conflict with a parent onto the pastor. A family focuses on a loved one’s substance use rather than examining their own functioning. In each case, the triangle stabilizes the system while avoiding the real issue.
The key principle is this: you cannot change a relationship to which you do not belong. When you try to fix the other two sides of a triangle, you only strengthen it. And YOU absorb the stress. The only place you have agency is in your own functioning. You can change your relationship to each person or issue, but you cannot change their relationship to each other.
This is where self‑differentiation is essential. When you take responsibility for your choices, boundaries and emotional presence, you create the conditions for healthier relationships. You stop enabling, rescuing, or mediating. You stay connected without taking on responsibility that isn’t yours. And in doing so, you open space for others to take responsibility for themselves.
This first part of the series lays the groundwork. Leadership through self‑differentiation is not about techniques. It is about who you are and how you show up in the system. In the next installment, we’ll explore how resistance functions in relationship systems and why your response to it determines your effectiveness as a leader.
Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama is an ordained minister in The United Methodist Church and currently serves as the Director of the Center for Vital Leadership for UMC churches in the District of Columbia, Maryland and Delaware.