Weeds
Photo: OlgaGubskaya
He put before them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to someone who sowed good seed in his field, but while everybody was asleep an enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and then went away. So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared as well. And the slaves of the householder came and said to him, ‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? Where, then, did these weeds come from?’ He answered, ‘An enemy has done this.’ The slaves said to him, ‘Then do you want us to go and gather them?’ But he replied, ‘No, for in gathering the weeds you would uproot the wheat along with them. Let both of them grow together until the harvest, and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, Collect the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.’ ”
Matthew 13:24-30 (NRSV*)
How do you tell the difference between good and bad? Often you can’t. That’s the point of the parable of the weeds among the wheat.
The word that is translated as weeds is traditionally known as “tares,” which comes from its use in the King James translation. It likely means “bearded darnel,” which is a toxic form of ryegrass that grows in the Middle East. Wheat and darnel are nearly impossible to tell apart until they reach maturity.
In the parable an enemy sows darnel among the good seed of the householder. Roman law forbid sowing darnel among the wheat of another, so we know the scenario was realistic.
Jesus’ point here is that we can’t tell the good from the bad. It’s not our job to judge. Only God knows the heart and only God can decide.
What does that have to do with self-differentiation? Everything.
Self-differentiation is knowing where you end and another begins. It’s the ability to take responsibility for self and no one else. It’s defining self without trying to define others.
This parable reminds us that what we see on the surface is rarely accurate. We often have no idea what others are going through. When someone lashes out at us, it usually has less to do with us than what’s going on inside of them.
I once preached a sermon about how all families are dysfunctional. As Edwin Friedman wrote, nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, then it wouldn’t be a problem.
After the sermon, multiple people noted how relieved they were. They thought they were the only family with issues. Yet, we all have issues.
So, while the parable itself is about distinguishing good from evil, which is not our job, it’s a reminder to me that my role as a leader is to focus on where I’m leading while staying connected to others. I’m better able to do this when I realize that I have no idea what may be “poisoning” someone else’s life. It helps me to have compassion for others, even when they are making my life difficult. It helps me to leave the weeds to God.
Reflection Questions
How often do you judge people who disagree with you or make your life difficult?
What can help you to let go of defining them so you can focus more on defining yourself?
When will you ask God for the grace to do this?
Recommendations
Why Leaders Should Nurture Their Social–Emotional Intelligence by Drew Calvert. This article uses family businesses as the context. However, I believe the principles apply both to families and businesses (think leadership). It offers three important ways to manage yourself so you can lead others.
You need a leadership makeover if you’re just focused on getting things done. Here’s how to do it by Mark C. Crowley. This is about leadership but definitely has a family systems tilt. It's another way to emphasize the importance of self-awareness, knowing your goals, values and motivations, and knowing where you'd ultimately like your life to lead (think vision).
Podcast
Episode 203 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 8 Signs That You Are Not Self-Differentiating, is now available.
* Scripture quotations are from New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.