The Trouble of Creating Connection
Generation to Generation Coverr
One of the hardest things about being a pastor is learning how to connect across multiple generations while leading a church. Depending on where you are on the age spectrum will likely determine which generation(s) to migrate toward more naturally. This isn’t to say that you don’t care about other generations — but some are easier to connect with than others depending on where you are, your experience (or lack thereof) in ministry, and vision for what good care within a congregation might look like.
Examples:
- The younger pastor will often have a more natural affinity toward younger members and young families.
- The middle-aged pastor will often migrate toward that middle-aged group, families with older kids and youth, and those who may have recently become empty nesters.
- The more aged pastor will often migrate toward the more aged members of a congregation, those with grandchildren, and those who are enjoying retirement (as they look to enjoy retirement one day soon, too).
Let me say from the outset: There is nothing wrong with connecting more naturally with one group over another. Being your authentic self is an important hallmark in ministry, so it’s perfectly healthy for that authentic self to have an easier time connecting to groups in your church who share similar ways of being in the world.
The trick in ministry (and one I’m continuing to learn myself) is how to stretch yourself to connect with those you don’t connect with more naturally.
Family Systems Approach
Steven Cuss, (someone you will see me quote a lot in this series, I’m sure) says: “Leadership is learning how to diagnose and manage anxiety.” Cuss is rooted in Family Systems Theory which says, among other things, that a congregation is like a family with different members bringing different levels of anxiety — all of which affects the overall health of the family. To lead a congregation well is to try to understand all of the various types of anxiety that exist and influence the way people behave in the church. So, when you’re thinking about how to begin to connect with people in your in meaningful ways that forge important pastoral relationships, maybe you should begin by trying to understand the anxiety each group might be bringing to the church (and, in turn, any relationship they might forge with their pastor).
For Younger Pastors
As a younger pastor who connects well with younger members, does the more aged groups in your church feel like they are slowly being forgotten? We live in a world that overvalues youth and you begin to feel less and less valuable as you age. Could you look for that anxiety and consider ways to connect with people who are more aged in order to affirm them of the fact that not only do you care, but also that they are incredibly valuable to the church even if it’s in different ways than when they are 30? Could you model what relationship building across generations could look like and how, ultimately, that is a sign of health and vitality for the church as a whole?
For Middle-Aged Pastors
As a middle aged pastor who might struggle to connect with the young adults and families or the more aged folks in your congregation, could you model how to look beyond your generation — even when being consumed with busyness is a defining trait at this stage of life — to understand and affirm others? How could you model listening and learning from your younger adults who are just starting out in their careers or with small children? Could you model mentoring that doesn’t seek to give advice so much as understand and create space for others? Same for your aged members — how could you affirm their belovedness to the church when their physical limitations keep them from doing the things they’ve been so used to doing for most of their adult life? Who in your church could mentor you, too, as you begin to navigate what it means to age well?
For Older Pastors
An aged pastor near retirement — how could you look back at members of these generations coming behind you to affirm their importance in the church? Could you help aged members begin to give up leadership in order to make room for the next generation of leaders? Could you care for young families in your church in ways that embrace them and remind them that even though life seems overwhelmingly hectic, they are doing it right and they are loved?
Matching members of different groups is next level in terms of creating connection in your church. For example, how could your older members offer help in, say, your children’s ministry? How could younger members serve on boards and committees in meaningful ways? How could middle aged folks make room in their life to offer congregational care to those who are sick or home-bound? All os these are ways you can take this spirit of connection and spread it throughout your church so your church can seek to become the inter-generational church God calls us to be — one where we don’t have to live in the generational silos too many churches create.
Importance of Pace
A quick word on the pace of how we relate with those beyond our personal stage of life. Remember that each stage comes with a particular pace and rhythm, so it’s important not to impose the pace and rhythm you live in on those who don’t share your stage of life. As we age, we tend to slow down. But know that slowing down is not a bad thing at all – contrary to what you may have heard, most of us could stand to slow down.
If you’re the younger pastor, go visit and be okay slowing down. Take time with those you’ve come to see. Listen well. And don’t be in too big of a hurry to leave.
Middle aged and older pastors, discern the pace of those you’re trying to relate to. If they’re younger, know that they may be moving faster than you — but also know most of them could stand to slow down, too. The trick in all of this is to meet whoever you’re seeing right where they are without judgment and with an openness to how God is already present among you.
Conclusion
As we move into this next phase of the pandemic — one where we can be together more and more even if we observe precautions as needed — we almost have to relearn what it means to be together. And, as pastoral leaders, we can model this learning process by being intentional about reaching out beyond our current circles and comfort zones to offer God’s love in real and authentic ways. Remember that whatever generational divide exists in your church is no match for the One who comes to break down walls and divisions in the pursuit of love…even Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Ben Gosden 2019
The Rev. Ben Gosden
The Rev. Ben Gosden serves as senior pastor of Trinity United Methodist Church in Savannah, Ga. This post is republished from his blog, Covered in the Master's Dust. To reproduce this content elsewhere, please contact the author via his blog.