Letting Go of the Need to Be Right

The Non-Anxious Leader

by

Ordained Ministry

Special to United Methodist Insight | Jan. 20, 2026

We never lock our doors. At least we didn’t used to.

But when my (now 102-year-old) mother came to live with us six years ago, thing changed. She worried about “robbers” coming in and attacking her. She would say, “I’m the first one they will get to when they come in.“

I tried being paradoxical and playful with her. I would say things like, “You can take them.“ Or “Just send them downstairs to us.“.

It didn’t work.

Paradox and playfulness are ways to avoid a conflict of wills. A conflict of wills occurs when you try to convince the other that you are right. The implication is that they are wrong. This usually doesn’t end well. The point of being paradoxical and playful is to push the other person in the other direction so they realize it’s not worth fighting.

But that didn’t work with my mom. She kept saying that she was the one the robbers were going to attack.

So the question was, what to do?

I say often that there is a constant tension between individuality and the pressure to conform (surrounding togetherness pressure). There was a part of me that didn’t want to give into my mom. I knew that she was being irrational. But I also knew that no amount of paradox and playfulness (let alone my logical arguments) were going to convince her that it was safe to leave the doors unlocked.

So I gave up my need to be right.

Self-differentiation isn’t always about standing your ground. Sometimes it’s knowing when to choose connection over individuality. That’s what I did in this situation with my mom. I learned to live with it.

I will admit that there are times when she asks to lock the doors and close the windows that I want to push back. But then I come to my senses, and I do what my mom asks. Even at age 64 I am still growing up. That’s life. And life is good.

The Rev. Jack Shitama is an ordained minister in The United Methodist Church and currently serves as the Director of the Center for Vital Leadership for UMC churches in the District of Columbia, Maryland and Delaware.