Photo: VectorThings
“You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you, they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you, a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.” — John W. Gardner
Most of us begin life believing that if we just try hard enough, we can earn everyone's love and approval. We exhaust ourselves trying to manage others' feelings about us, convinced that their emotional state is somehow our responsibility.
Gardner's first observation—that most people are thinking about themselves—isn't cynical; it's realistic. People operate primarily from their own emotional position, their own anxiety, their own needs. This doesn't make them selfish monsters; it makes them human. When we grasp this truth, we stop taking their responses so personally.
Research shows that the average person spends most of their mental energy focused on their own concerns, relationships, and problems. We think everyone is watching us, but they're mostly thinking about themselves.
This is called the Spotlight Effect, and I did a podcast episode on it.
This insight changed everything for me.
Self-differentiation is the ability to self-define in a non-anxious way while staying emotionally connected to others. It's the difference between being a people-pleaser and being a person who loves people.
Here's what I learned: Most people aren't plotting against you. They're not scheming to make your life difficult. They're just trying to manage their own anxiety, meet their own needs, and navigate their own relationships. Your decisions affect them primarily in how those decisions impact their world.
Gardner's second observation cuts even deeper: "You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you, a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing."
Troubling? Absolutely. It destroys the childhood fantasy that if we just try hard enough, we can earn universal approval.
But relaxing? For sure.
When you accept that you cannot control others' feelings about you, something beautiful happens. You stop contorting yourself into shapes you think others want. You quit the exhausting dance of being something you’re not. You can finally focus your energy on what actually matters: being true to your values, caring for people without overfunctioning, and leading from a place of authenticity rather than anxiety.
Why do I share this? Because every leader needs to learn this lesson, and most of us learn it the hard way. We burn out trying to please everyone. We make decisions based on who might get upset rather than what's right. We lose ourselves in the endless attempt to manage everyone else's comfort.
Here's the paradox: when you stop trying to make everyone love you, you become much more lovable. Everyone loves a non-anxious presence.
When you quit managing others' emotions, you create space for genuine relationships. When you accept that some people won't appreciate you no matter what you do, you're free to offer your authentic self to those who will.
Notice the things that create pressure in your life to conform, to please, to avoid disappointing others. Pay attention to moments when you're working harder on a relationship than the other person is willing to work.
Then remember Gardner's wisdom: most people are thinking about themselves, and that's actually a gift. It frees you to think about who God has called you to be.
Go be yourself.
Hi Cynthia,
From time to time, I'll be sending a shout out to people who are supporting my work. This week, I want to thank VIP Patrons: Marian H., Carol L. and Amelia D. Your support helps me to bring these resources to everyone. Thank you!
This week's post can help you grow in your ability to self-differentiate. Thanks for reading!
Most People Aren't Thinking About You (And That's Actually Good News)
Photo: VectorThings
“You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you, they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you, a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.”
— John W. Gardner
Most of us begin life believing that if we just try hard enough, we can earn everyone's love and approval. We exhaust ourselves trying to manage others' feelings about us, convinced that their emotional state is somehow our responsibility.
Gardner's first observation—that most people are thinking about themselves—isn't cynical; it's realistic. People operate primarily from their own emotional position, their own anxiety, their own needs. This doesn't make them selfish monsters; it makes them human. When we grasp this truth, we stop taking their responses so personally.
Research shows that the average person spends most of their mental energy focused on their own concerns, relationships, and problems. We think everyone is watching us, but they're mostly thinking about themselves.
This is called the Spotlight Effect, and I did a podcast episode on it.
This insight changed everything for me.
Self-differentiation is the ability to self-define in a non-anxious way while staying emotionally connected to others. It's the difference between being a people-pleaser and being a person who loves people.
Here's what I learned: Most people aren't plotting against you. They're not scheming to make your life difficult. They're just trying to manage their own anxiety, meet their own needs, and navigate their own relationships. Your decisions affect them primarily in how those decisions impact their world.
Gardner's second observation cuts even deeper: "You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you, a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing."
Troubling? Absolutely. It destroys the childhood fantasy that if we just try hard enough, we can earn universal approval.
But relaxing? For sure.
When you accept that you cannot control others' feelings about you, something beautiful happens. You stop contorting yourself into shapes you think others want. You quit the exhausting dance of being something you’re not. You can finally focus your energy on what actually matters: being true to your values, caring for people without overfunctioning, and leading from a place of authenticity rather than anxiety.
Why do I share this? Because every leader needs to learn this lesson, and most of us learn it the hard way. We burn out trying to please everyone. We make decisions based on who might get upset rather than what's right. We lose ourselves in the endless attempt to manage everyone else's comfort.
Here's the paradox: when you stop trying to make everyone love you, you become much more lovable. Everyone loves a non-anxious presence.
When you quit managing others' emotions, you create space for genuine relationships. When you accept that some people won't appreciate you no matter what you do, you're free to offer your authentic self to those who will.
Notice the things that create pressure in your life to conform, to please, to avoid disappointing others. Pay attention to moments when you're working harder on a relationship than the other person is willing to work.
Then remember Gardner's wisdom: most people are thinking about themselves, and that's actually a gift. It frees you to think about who God has called you to be.
Go be yourself.
Recommendations
This week's recommendations continue with the theme of growing as a non-anxious presence.
Want to stir things up? Move towards someone by Kathleen Smith. I often recommend to coaching clients to move closer to someone who is acting anxiously. This is counterintuitive, as our instinct is to distance (which isn't helpful). Smith breaks down why this can help you move toward self-differentiation.
Are you stuck in movie logic? by Cate Hall. Movie logic is that the characters aren't able to communicate well. It makes for great drama, but anxious living. Hall unpacks what this, gives some great examples of self-differentiated statements, and offers three tips for how you can do better. This is a GREAT read.