Family Tree
Photo: NewAfrica
An account of the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, the son of David, the son of Abraham. So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David to the deportation to Babylon, fourteen generations; and from the deportation to Babylon to the Messiah, fourteen generations.
Matthew 1:1,17
In "The Liars’ Club," Mary Carr wrote, “A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
With 42 generations, that means Jesus’ family of origin was certainly dysfunctional.
Jacob stole his brother’s birthright through deceit. His sons sold their brother, Joseph, into slavery out of jealousy. David was an adulterer and a murderer. One of his sons, Amnon, raped his sister, Tamar. Another son, Absalom, was so engraged that he ordered his servants to murder Amnon.
Talk about dysfunctional.
Interestingly, there are four women mentioned by name in Matthew 1. A fifth, Bathsheba, is only mentioned as "the wife of Uriah." One who is named is Jesus' mother, Mary, who is revered. Mother Mary aside, including women in a family genealogy was unheard of in ancient times, which makes the other three worth noting.
Tamar (Gen 38) was Judah’s daughter-in-law. When he refused to follow the requirement to provide his son to marry Tamar to continue the family line, she took matters into her own hands. She disguised herself as a prostitute so Judah would sleep with her and provide offspring. It worked. When Judah realized what had happened, he declared that Tamar was “more righteous than I.” Perez, was one of the twins born from this encounter and is part of the messianic line (MT 1:3)
Rahab WAS a prostitute (Josh 2). She betrayed her city, Jericho, by hosting Israel’s spies as they plotted its downfall. In return, she secured safety for her house and her family. She married Salmon, presumably one of the spies she hosted, and their son, Boaz, married Ruth.
Ruth was a Moabite, whose own people were the result of incest (Gen 19) and were banned from “the assembly of the Lord (Dt 23:3).” Yet she is one of only two women who have books of the Bible named after them.
These were extraordinary women who did extraordinary things despite the dysfunction of their families and a patriarchal society.
To me, Jesus’ family of origin points to the fact that he was fully human. All people, kings, prostitutes and everyone in-between have trouble self-differentiating, which leads to dysfunctional families.
Of course, Jesus, being fully divine, was completely self-differentiated and the epitome of a non-anxious presence. Even when he defined others (think “you hypocrites) or was seemingly reactive (cleansing the temple) it was to make a point about the Reign of God.
So what does that mean for us.
First, intergenerational transmission is real, but it doesn’t have to be our destiny. Like Jesus, we all have dysfunction in our families of origin. This means that we can be prone to the same dysfunction as it passes from generation to generation. But it’s not a given. If we are able to work on our own functioning through self-awareness, self-regulation and intentionality, we can differentiate ourselves out of the intergenerational transmission.
Second, looking backward can help us move forward. Doing family of origin work involves looking at the dysfunction in previous generations to help us understand how it forms us. When we can do this honestly, it enables us to grow more self-differentiated without blaming others or ourselves.
Third, we can’t do this without the grace of God. For Jesus, who was grace and unconditional love incarnate, this came naturally. For the rest of us, we need to be prayerful and open to God’s grace so we can change how we function.
This is not easy, but it is how we grow as non-anxious leaders.
Reflection Questions
What skeletons are your family of origin’s closet?
How do they influence you today?
How might God’s grace help you to function differently?
Recommendations
Stuck in a Heated Argument? Follow the 'ATL Rule' to Ensure Everyone Wins by Nick Hobson. I don't like the term "arguing," as I think it increases the chances of getting stuck in a conflict of wills. That said, this article presents research that shows "arguing to learn" is more effective than "arguing to win." The latter almost certainly will guarantee a conflict of wills. This is a reminder that curiousity and humility can go a long way toward being a non-anxious leader.
Worry is an unhelpful friend and a shoddy fortune-teller by Lucas LaFreniere. This is a deep dive into why worry (and anxiety) are not helpful. It also offers some practical suggestions ranging from deep breathing to cognitive behavioral therapy to help you manage and reduce worry.
Pocast
Episode 217 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, What’s Going on in The United Methodist Church? – Part 3 of 3, is now available.