Around the family fire
Find places and events to share the family's story to strengthen kinship and resilience, says Jack Shitama. (Courtesy Photo)
According to Emory University researchers, Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush, the most important factor in the well-being of children is having a family narrative. This comes from knowing stories such as where their grandparents grew up, how their parents met, what were the family tragedies and even the story of their birth.
Duke and Fivush found that children from families with a strong narrative were more resilient. This makes them better able to navigate the challenges of life, contributing to increased well-being.
There are three types of family narratives. You can read a summary here, but I’ll give you a quick rundown.
- Ascending-this is the rags to riches story. “We used to have nothing, but through hard work and sacrifice we got to where we are today.”
- Descending-this is the opposite. “We were on top of the world, but lost it all.”
- Oscillating-this is the healthiest. “We’ve had ups and downs in our family. We’re grateful for what we have and have stayed close as a family.”
Clearly, the third narrative has resilience built into it. But, Duke and Fivush contend that any narrative helps. They say children have more self-confidence when they have a strong “intergenerational self.” They are a part of something bigger then themselves.
I grew up listening to the stories that my parents told about growing up as Japanese Americans. We heard these over and over. A small handful became lore in our family. Both my parents were born in Seattle, Washington. Their parents had emigrated from Japan around the turn of the 20th century. Pearl Harbor was a defining moment in my parents’ lives, for different reasons.
My mom and her siblings were actually living in Japan at the time of Pearl Harbor. Her parents were in Seatlle. They had sent the children to Japan while my grandfather rebuilt the family business, which was hit hard by the Great Depression.
My mom was attending college in Tokyo but the rest of her family was in Hiroshima, her mother’s hometown. She would tell us that the whole college was gathered for the assembly. When she heard the news, she felt the floor spinning out from underneath her. She thought she might never see her parents again.
Pearl Harbor was a defining for my father because it meant that President Roosevelt issued executive order 9066, which interned anyone with 1/8 Japanese blood in the interior West.
As grandparents, my folks continued to tell these stories. Once we were at our annual family Thanksgiving week in Hatteras, NC, when the power went out. Instead of watching TV, movies or playing video games, our children sat with us in a candle-lit living room while my parents told their stories. The kids were mesmerized. It helped them to understand what made their grandparents tick. It helped them to see themselves as a part of something larger than themselves.
The power came back on at about 10 PM. It was like cockroaches scattering when the kitchen light is turned on in the middle of the night. They were gone in seconds. Back to their electronic entertainment. Nonetheless, the stories became an important part of who they are.
A family narrative is strengthened by traditions, holidays, family vacations, regular dinners and even quirky rituals. They help to weave a child’s own story into the larger family narrative.
When one of my sons was about five, he asked, “Dad, when I get married, will my wife be a part of the family?”
I said, “Of course.”
He replied, “No. I mean, will she get to come to Hatteras?”
For him, being a part of our family meant being a part of our most cherished traditions. That’s a good thing.
The family narrative helps to define who we are and what it means to be family.
Whether you are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin, you can help the children in your family of origin by strengthening the family narrative. Ask the elders in the family to share. If you’re an elder, then share your defining moments. It’s a gift you can give to the next generation.
Next time: How a narrative can strengthen your ministry, business or organization.