Viper and apple
Photo: njaj
They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” He said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate.” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent tricked me, and I ate.”
Genesis 3:8-13 (NRSV)
Everything was wonderful. Until it wasn’t. The garden of Eden had everything the first couple could want. But it wasn’t enough. And so, they ate from the one tree they were commanded to avoid.
The inability to take responsibility for self goes back to the very beginning.
God knew that they had eaten the forbidden fruit because they felt the need to hide because they were naked. But, instead of immediately passing judgment, God gives them the chance to own up to it.
And thus, the first triangles were born.
Adam went first. He not only blamed Eve, he also blamed God for giving him the woman in the first place. Eve went next. She blamed the serpent.
Blaming and scapegoating are forms of triangles that take the focus off our own actions, and their consequences, and put them somewhere else. They’re a classic triangle. They enable us to avoid dealing with our own discomfort and our responsibility in the situation.
This happens in our families, congregations and in society at large.
When the holiday doesn’t go the way you expected how do you deal with it? Do you come to terms with your own disappointment or do you blame those who didn’t show up or didn’t behave the way you thought they should?
When your congregation has been declining for decades what do you do? Do you reflect on your own role in things or do you blame the non-denominational church down the street, your own denominational leaders or the secularization of society?
When you worry about the economy, crime or health care do you blame those who are different than you or those from the other political party?
The only way we make progress personally or collectively is when we are willing to stop blaming others so we can take responsibility for our own role in both the challenge and the solution. This is what self-differentiation is. We need non-anxious leaders who can do this.
Reflection Questions
When was a time when you avoided taking responsibility and blamed someone/something else?
What would it have looked like to take responsibility in that situation?
What can you do in the future to avoid triangling others?
Recommendations
The audacity of the crowd anthem by Seth Godin. If you want to make an impact it means being willing to put yourself out there. Godin reminds us we need to be prepared to start by singing alone.
He Get Us. I've already seen that some think this website and it's high profile ads have a right-wing agenda. I'm sure some of the videos will make others believe it's a left-wing agenda (like when they say Jesus was a refugee. Go to the this link and look for "Regufee"). The website admits they have an agenda:
"How did the story of a man who taught and practiced unconditional love, peace, and kindness; who spent his life defending the poor and the marginalized; a man who even forgave his killers while they executed him unjustly — whose life inspired a radical movement that is still impacting the world thousands of years later — how did this man’s story become associated with hatred and oppression for so many people? And how might we all rediscover the promise of the love his story represents? Those are the questions at the heart of He Gets Us."
What I know is that Christianity has a bad reputation and, in many respects, it's well-earned. I believe this effort to recapture what Jesus taught is worth taking a look and deciding for yourself. I'd love to know what you think.
Podcast
Episode 214 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Toxic Positivity Is NOT Self-Differentiation, is now available.