Creative Discussion
Photo Courtesy of Jack Shitama
I write a lot about self-differentiation. That may make it seem that it’s all about self. But there are two components to self-differentiation. One is self-definition, which is the ability to express what you believe in healthy ways. The other is emotional connection. Self-differentiation is the ability to self-define while staying connected to others, especially those you care about most.
Three things happened recently that reinforced the power of connection.
First, I was the keynote speaker at an association of nonprofit conference center leaders. As I wrote in a blog post earlier this year, these are my people. They get me. I’ve known some of the conference attendees for 20 years. Others for a few years, and a few that I met just this year. Yet together the sense of community was powerful.
Second, I attended an appreciation gathering for a friend who has served for nearly two decades in our local ecumenical association. For a time, she literally carried the organization. It not only provides financial and physical assistance to those in need, but it’s a sponsor of the afterschool program that I’ve been involved with since 1999.
It was a blessing to be a part of saying thank you to this wonderful woman. I’ve learned over the years that I’m more blessed spiritually when I participate vicariously in the blessings of others, than when I focus on my own.
Third, I attended the 200th anniversary of a church in our community. I was never pastor there, I’m not a member, and I don’t attend. I have preached there from time to time but it’s not my church. Nevertheless, I know many of the people through my connection with them in the community and through the camp that I run. So, I went.
Wow! What a blessing! The service included great music, several of my clergy colleagues who have served over the years, and a testimony from a 104-year-old woman who’s been a part of the church her whole life.
Again, this was not my church, but I felt a part of the community. I was blessed.
Self-differentiation is not about isolation, it’s about interdependence. A healthy approach to life and leadership understands that we don’t journey alone. We need other people and they need us.
The challenge is to hold the tension between self-definition and emotional connection in its proper place. If we can’t express who we are and what we believe, in healthy ways, our ability to lead will be crushed by the pressure to conform to the will of others. If we aren’t able to stay connected to others, we won’t be able to achieve our most important work, because we can’t do it alone.
This is the essence (and challenge) of self-differentiation.
What these three occurrences had in common was they reminded me that I am a part of something larger than myself. It’s called community. Whether it’s your family, where you live, a ministry you support, a congregation you attend (or not), a trade association or a team at work, connection matters, Be yourself. But be connected.