Love my enemies
Photo: yuriz
“But I say to you who are listening: Love your enemies; do good to those who hate you; bless those who curse you; pray for those who mistreat you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who asks of you, and if anyone takes away what is yours, do not ask for it back again. Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
Luke 6:27-31 (NRSV)
You might find yourself dwelling on the last line of this text, which is the golden rule. That’s not a bad thing. But it’s the first verse that challenges us.
It’s paradoxical.
Why would anyone want to love their enemies, do good to those who hate them or turn the other cheek? One reason is that it works.
Paradox is doing the opposite of what you think you should do. It’s counterintuitive. Edwin Friedman described it as turning your wheels into the skid.
One thing paradox does is avoid a conflict of wills. If you fight back when someone is coming after you, literally or figuratively, you will get stuck. The focus will shift to who is right and who is wrong, who is innocent and who is aggrieved, and that’s a no win situation.
More importantly, it’s likely the reason that you were attacked had less to do with you and more to do with something going on in the other person. If they were in a better place, they wouldn’t have attacked you to begin with. A self-differentiated person could express their feelings and beliefs by defining themselves, not by defining (attacking) you.
Which leads to the second thing paradox does. It forces the other to take responsibility for self. By avoiding a conflict of wills, the other has to choose what they are going to do. It takes the focus off of you and puts it back on them in a healthy way.
David Hartsough was in just such a situation during a lunch counter sit-in protesting segregation in Arlington, VA in 1960. In Waging Peace: Global Adventures of a Lifelong Activist, he writes:
“’Love your enemies . . . do good to those who hate you.’
"I was meditating on those words when I heard a voice behind me say, ‘Get out of this store in two seconds, or I’m going to stab this through your heart.’ I glanced behind me at a man with the most terrible look of hatred I had ever seen. His eyes blazed, his jaw quivered, and his shaking hand held a switchblade—about half an inch from my heart. . . .
"I turned around and tried my best to smile. Looking him in the eye, I said to him, 'Friend, do what you believe is right, and I will still try to love you.' Both his jaw and his hand dropped. Miraculously, he turned away and walked out of the store.
"That was the most powerful experience of my twenty years of life. It confirmed my belief in the power of love, the power of goodness, the power of God working through us to overcome hatred and violence. I had a profound sense that nonviolence really works. At that moment, nonviolence became much more than a philosophical idea or a tactic that had once made a difference in Gandhi’s India. It became the way I wanted to relate to other human beings, a way of life, a way of working for change.
"My response had touched something in my accuser. He had seen me as an enemy. But through my response, I believe I became a human being to him. The humanity in each of us touched.”
How many of us could have responded in this way? Hartsough’s paradoxical response avoided a conflict of wills, gave responsibility back to the aggressor AND maintained emotional connection by saying “I will still try to love you.”
It’s only through the grace of God that we are able to love our enemies and do good to those who hate us. But when we do, it can change the system and even change the world.
Very few of us will ever get threatened with our lives. Most of us will feel threatened by the anxious emotional attacks of others. By the grace of God, may your response be paradoxical. It’s what non-anxious leaders do.
Reflection Questions:
How do you regulate your automatic responses in anxious situations?
What would enable you to recognize the need for a paradoxical response?
What would remind you to pray for God’s grace in that moment?
Recommendations
Non-anxious leaders are able to have healthy discussions with those with whom they disagree. This week's recommendations can help.
How to have better arguments by Scott Aikin & John Casey. I advocate avoiding a conflict of wills with people who are unable to define themselves in healthy ways. That doesn't mean we shouldn't have honest, vigorous debates. Self-differentiation means keeping an open mind and listening to the views of others.
“Just asking questions”: How healthy skepticism morphed into toxic denialism by Warren Berger. Asking questions is important. But there's a difference between being curious and confrontational. This article explains the difference.
Podcast
Episode 198 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Leadership through Self-Differentiation (Part 4 of 4) – Self-Regulation and Integrity in the Moment of Choice, is now available.
That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.