Adobe Stock Photo Courtesy of Jack Shitama
My colleague, Matt, responded to the original post with these questions:
How does a self-differentiated parent lead their family? They can’t always let kids, teenagers walk their own path. They need love, guidance and at times a firm voice. This can be perceived as “Mom/Dad’s always got to be right.” Is this correctly perceived as sabotage and one should stay with the firm direction or (according to family systems theory) does the father/mother let them self-differentiate?
First, my answer applies to leaders, as well as parents. Whether you’re a parent, pastor or president, when you are passionate about your convictions, it can come across to others as needing to right all the time.
What’s a non-anxious leader to do?
Focus on “taking a position” versus “being right.”
Edwin Friedman described taking a position as taking a clearly conceived, principled, non-anxious stand. In other words, you are expressing your goals and values in terms of what you believe is in the best interest of relationship system and those in it, i.e. the kid, the congregant or the co-worker.
This is different than needing to be right.
When you need to be right, it’s more about your own need for control. This is not helpful AND it doesn’t work. In the end, you can’t control others. Nobody likes to be told what to do.
So what does taking a stand look like? It’s the ability to self-define while remaining emotionally connected (in a non-anxious way). It’s:
- Taking positions based on principles rather than emotional reactivity
- Maintaining the position without becoming defensive or argumentative
- Allowing natural consequences to teach rather than rescuing or over-functioning
- Staying connected emotionally while holding boundaries
- Modeling how to disagree without cutting off relationships
The differentiated approach is neither permissive (“let them do whatever”) nor authoritarian (“because I said so”). Instead, it’s about being a non-anxious presence who can say things like: “I understand you disagree with this boundary, and you’re free to have your own opinion about it. This is my position based on what I believe is best for our family/congregation/organization.”
The goal isn’t to prevent the other’s differentiation process. The opposite is true. It’s to provide a stable, principled presence they can push against as they develop their own sense of self. The “firm voice” remains, but it comes from a centered place rather than an anxious one.
This will help you remain less anxious, and it will provide space for the other to grow. That’s the power of a non-anxious presence.