Mary and Joseph
Photo: ivanmoreno
Now the birth of Jesus the Messiah took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found to be pregnant from the Holy Spirit. Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to divorce her quietly. But just when he had resolved to do this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet:
“Look, the virgin shall become pregnant and give birth to a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel,” which means, “God is with us.”
When Joseph awoke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him; he took her as his wife but had no marital relations with her until she had given birth to a son, and he named him Jesus. – Matthew 1:18-25 (NRSV)
How do you respond when you feel betrayed, when a trust is broken?
I wonder how Joseph reacted when Mary told him she was pregnant. Did he fly off the handle, accuse Mary of adultery and/or withdraw and sulk? Or was he a non-anxious presence. We don’t really know.
What we do know is that he made the decision to divorce her quietly because he didn’t want to disgrace her. To me, this is a huge act of grace. And this is before the angel came to him in a dream.
I say a huge act of grace because Mary and Joseph’s engagement was a contractual arrangement. It wasn’t simply that they had decided to get married. Their families had arranged their union and a bride-price was exchanged.
According to Jewish law, they were already considered husband and wife, even though the marriage was not yet consummated. The only way to break the contract was through divorce and adultery was clearly grounds for divorce. Talk about surrounding togetherness pressure.
One thing this passage teaches me is that our immediate reaction is not so important as what we ultimately decide. We often react emotionally to situations that upset us and even say things we regret. But as Rev. Bill Selby says, “A sentence always ends with a comma, not a period.”
What Bill means is that no matter how reactive we get, we can always resume the conversation when we’ve had a chance to reflect and think about what really matters to us. I’m not sure how Joseph reacted initially to the news, but he ultimately decided to respond with grace.
As a “righteous man,” he could not remain betrothed. But Joseph wasn’t “self-righteous.” He didn’t want to disgrace Mary.
Self-differentiation isn’t selfish. Sometimes we make a decision for the sake of another because emotional connection matters. The difference is whether or not we resent it.
If we do something that benefits another but resent it, that’s not self-differentiation. It’s adapting to another because we can’t stand up for what we really want. If we do something for another and own it, that’s called maturity.
What amazes me in all of this is that Joseph was likely a teenager. Even though teenagers were probably more mature than they are today, the grace of God was clearly at work in Joseph even before the angel came to him. He made a decision that was in line with his own principles, while also showing care and concern for Mary.
As we navigate a world where we often feel betrayed by the moral, political and theological convictions of others, may we be reminded that self-differentiation can be a means of grace.
Reflection Questions
When have you reacted badly to the actions of another?
How could you resume that discussion to respond in a way that is in line with your principles?
How can the grace of God help you do this?
Recommendations
Here are this week's recommendations:
Sorry/thanks by Seth Godin. This 30-second read is worth reflecting on. I like the idea of both sorry AND thanks. What do you think?
How to Reclaim Your Inner Alert System by Alison Cook. This is a longer read and highlights the importance of self-awareness and intentionality as key aspects of self-differentiating.
Podcast
Episode 204 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, How to Manage the Negative Emotions of Others (rebroadcast), is now available.