Group Conflict
Conflict in churches is often seen as inherently negative. Perhaps conflict is a sign that we don’t love Jesus enough. Or that we don’t love each other enough. But what if it was just the opposite? What if conflict in church was a sign that people cared deeply, loved God fully, and were totally invested in the future of the church? The truth is that church conflict can be used as an opportunity for growth and progress. But getting there will take a shift in thinking, as well as embracing imperfections, discovering motivations, decoding conflicts, strategizing for success, and seeking deeper guidance. These are the 5 simple steps to handle conflict like a pro. Read on for details.
Step #1 Embracing Imperfections
At its core, the church is comprised of individuals who are all imperfect. This means that conflict is inevitable; we are only sometimes capable of putting aside our perspectives or finding common ground. That’s true not only of our church members but of ourselves as well.
When disagreements arise, it’s important to practice patience and compassion. These qualities, rather than being weaknesses, are strengths. Patience and compassion will help foster better understanding between different perspectives while also modeling grace. Even though it’s tempting to insist on being right, grace will take you farther in the aftermath of the conflict.
Remember that they are imperfect human beings, and so are you. That means you and your people will have moments when you say things you regret, step on each other’s toes, and let emotions run high. Even so, God still loves you, and God still loves them. God embraces your imperfections. Practice embracing your own, and theirs.
Step #2 Discovering Motivations
When working through conflicts in a church, it’s essential to understand what motivates people. What drives their decisions? What beliefs, goals, or fears are pushing them? When you can successfully discover motivations, you are on your way to successfully bridging differences.
The question is, how do you discover people’s motivations? I suggest that you begin by naming common ground. By finding out what people do agree on, you can begin to discern their points of difference. The truth is, if you listen well enough, people will tell you their motivations.
I have found that it’s often differing motivations, not necessarily divergent points of view, that are the greatest source of conflict in a church. For instance, conflict can arise when someone believes their feelings aren’t being acknowledged, or that their ideas aren’t being taken into consideration. You won’t know any of this, though, if you are talking instead of listening. Listening skills can help break down barriers even more than debating skills. You can only discover people’s motivations in moments of conflict if you really listen!
Also, practice listening to yourself. What are your motivations? Learn to hold them lightly so that you can be of greater service in times of conflict.
Step #3 Decoding Conflicts
Once you have identified the motivations driving people in conflict, the next step is to decode the conflict. Again, it may be divergent points of view that are driving the conflict. Even more likely, though, is that it’s behavioral differences. For instance, you might have someone who is highly conscientious about getting tasks done systematically, one at a time, before moving on to another project. That person may be “in conflict” with a fellow task force member whose enthusiasm propels them towards new programs and ideas quickly. Can you see the smash-up that can occur here simply because people prefer to work at a different pace?
But let’s say it’s not behavioral styles that are driving the conflict, rather an actual difference of opinion. In this case, acknowledge the differences that exist, the humanity of each party, and the love of God for all. Then look at the facts, analyze the data, acknowledge the feelings, and keep the conversation focused on finding solutions rather than assigning blame. Rarely is a conflict completely one-sided; it takes two to tango, and sometimes even more. As a leader, you must be willing to look at all sides of an argument and then facilitate constructive dialogue that leads toward resolution.
Also notice your own behavioral preferences or differences of opinion that can draw you as a leader into conflict. Be as careful and honest with yourself as you are asking others to be.
Step #4 Strategizing for Success
Once you have embraced imperfections, discovered motivations and decoded conflicts, it’s time to strategize for success. Create a plan for forward movement that includes tangible steps in which others can participate. For instance, create a time together for future dialogue, set up guidelines for frequent communication so hurt or frustration isn’t bottled up, and practice demonstrating respect even in disagreement. Most importantly, celebrate small victories along with the big ones. People need to know that their work makes a difference, and that the joy of community is worth the occasional conflict.
Step #5 Praying for Deeper Guidance
Finally, remember to pray for deeper guidance. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to resolve things ourselves that we forget divine guidance is available to us. Tapping into God’s wisdom through prayer allows you to make better decisions as a team. As Christians, it’s crucial that we focus ourselves on higher, common goals instead of each insisting on having things go our way. With God at the center of all we do, we can move forward together in unity.
While you may not pray with your team at work, you can pray for wisdom and guidance to lead with grace, love, and understanding. Part of being a good leader is investing in your people. One of the greatest gifts you can give is to pray for them and their success.
Take the Next Step
Being a leader is not easy, but with the right tools and guidance, you can be a successful leader who is capable of resolving problems effectively and turning conflict into opportunities for growth. Remember that every situation has a solution. Even if you can’t see it at first. When you employ the 5 simple steps to handle conflict like a pro—embracing imperfection, discovering motivations, decoding conflict, strategizing for success, and praying for deeper guidance—you will have the tools to lead effectively.
I will be sharing more tools and solutions in my upcoming course, 3 Steps to Engage Conflict Productively. This course is designed to grow your emotional intelligence in conflict, and help you become a less reactive person. It will not only provide you with best practices for success but also reveal your conflict style. All participants will receive an Everything DiSC® Productive Conflict Profile, Productive Conflict Reference Guide, a copy of one of my latest books, and a great learning community. Conflict can be challenging, but you can make a difference with the right tools and insight! Register here.
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