I was recently in a group discussion with a woman who shared a run-in that she had with her brother at Sunday dinner. She said her political views had changed over the last several years, which left her as an outlier in her family. The discussion between her and her brother about the upcoming election got heated.
Thanksgiving is this Thursday and that means calm, fair-minded discussions with family about politics and religion. OK, maybe not.
So how do you avoid ruining your Thanksgiving dinner?
The best way is to avoid a conflict of wills. This is when two people invest passion and energy into trying to convince the other that their own position is right. In family systems theory, this means trying to define the other person, rather than only defining self.
You can still express your own opinion when you do this. There’s nothing wrong with saying what you believe. Just do your best to avoid any efforts to convince the other that you’re right and they’re wrong.
My rule of thumb is don’t argue, don’t agree.
One way to do this is to listen. By asking open-ended questions (who, what, when, where, how), you give the other person a chance to share what they believe without trying to change their minds. This can often reduce the intensity of the conversation because you are encouraging them to define themselves and not you.
When you do say what you believe, it’s helpful to emphasize that the other doesn’t have to agree with you and that you may be wrong. This creates emotional space that enables your relationship to continue without debilitating disagreements.
Another way to avoiding arguing and giving in is through playfulness. This is what the woman I mentioned did with her brother. When things got super-intense, she said, “I’ll continue to discuss this with you if you can name the three branches of government.”
This stopped him dead in his tracks. He thought about it, couldn’t answer and then stopped talking. She remarked later that she wasn’t trying to be playful, nor did she feel that way, but the point of playfulness is to avoid the conflict of wills. Like listening, playfulness creates emotional space.
I spoke to this woman last week and she shared that her brother recently admitted that he was not as educated on politics as he should be. This started a conversation that went until 4am in which they were able to share what they believed in a healthy way.
At one point he asked her who she was going to vote for. She told him. He said, “I respect that.” Creating emotional space makes conversations like this possible.
And, maybe your off the hook this year because you’re limiting family gatherings. But you can’t avoid your family forever. You CAN avoid a conflict of wills.
Jack Shitama 2019
Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland. This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.