The Upside of Surrounding Togetherness Pressure

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Prior to his passing, my father-in-law lost his capacity for speech due to a massive stroke. Though he would try to speak at times, it was mostly unintelligible. However, when we would tuck him in at night, we would say the Lord’s Prayer with him. As often as not, he would try to say it with us. We didn’t understand many of the words, but the rhythm and intonation were unmistakable. Despite all that had happened to him, this ritual was still a part of who he was.

If you’ve been reading this blog or listening to my podcast for any amount of time, then you are likely to think that surrounding togetherness pressure is bad. Surrounding togetherness pressure is the unseen force in a system that creates the pressure to conform to its norms and unwritten rules.

In a family system this encompasses everything from how holidays and birthdays are celebrated to academic and athletic expectations to confronting or avoiding conflict.

In a congregational system it drives the order of worship, worship style and the congregation’s expectations of the pastor.

In either case, when change occurs and creates discomfort, surrounding togetherness pressure will prompt the response, “We’ve never done it that way before.”

But surrounding togetherness pressure is not all bad. As my wife and I care for our aging parents and watch our adult children raising their own children, I have realized there is a positive side to this part of emotional process. Here are three things I’ve noticed.

Surrounding togetherness pressure promotes positive behavior.

Surrounding togetherness pressure reinforces cultural norms that promote positive behavior. Think about the 10 Commandments. It’s a good thing to put God first in your life and to honor your parents. It’s good when people don’t lie, steal or murder. Communities are better off when people don’t covet their neighbors’ stuff or partners.

We have laws to enforce appropriate behavior. but you can’t legislate morality or justice. If there aren’t positive cultural norms to serve as a foundation, chaos is likely to ensue.

Surrounding togetherness pressure reinforces social cohesion

Social norms reinforce traditions that help ground who we are. As Seth Godin puts it, “People like us, do things like this.” Like saying the Lord’s Prayer at bedtime.

For families, bonding not only comes from norms that are passed from generation to generation, but it’s also connected to culture and place of origin. These are, in large part, positive norms that help us feel connected to others in positive ways.

Congregations and organizations also have their own cultures.

When I first started in pastoral ministry, I found that one funeral tradition in the area that I served conflicted with Christian tradition. My United Methodist Book of Worship instructs that the casket be closed prior to the start of the funeral service. This is a symbolic giving over of the loved one to God. Closing the casket emphasizes the finality of an earthly death prior to celebrating the hope of eternal life.

However, the tradition where I was serving was for the casket to remain open until after the funeral. The family was then given private time to say goodbyes, after which the casket was closed, and it was rolled out to the hearse.

Neither of these is right nor wrong. One can argue the Christian tradition is theologically correct, but I was not about to tell a family how to say goodbye to their loved one.

The point is that cultures have traditions and norms that provide comfort and stability during difficult times. This is a good thing.

Surrounding togetherness pressure helps us develop a sense of self.

Growing up is the process of absorbing the norms of the system. As a child, we learn how things are done both in our family and our surrounding culture. This helps a child develop a sense of who she is.

Knowing who you are and what you believe is a huge part of self-differentiation. Self-differentiation strikes a balance between self-definition and emotional connection. Much of our identity comes from our childhood years.

Self-definition comes from inheriting what we believe from our family of origin. Emotional connection comes from the bonding promoted by social cohesion. Both are reinforced by surrounding togetherness pressure.

The challenge comes when the child starts to push back against the norms in order to differentiate her identity from the norms she inherits. This is a natural part of growing up and is most common in the teen years. It becomes a problem when she is unable to do this in a healthy way.

This has more to do with the intensity of the surrounding togetherness pressure than with the child herself. When the system doesn’t allow for differentiation, then surrounding togetherness pressure ratchets up to the point where the only options she feels she has are either to create conflict or to give in without taking a non-anxious stand. Neither is helpful.

This emphasizes that surrounding togetherness pressure is a positive thing, but only to a point. It helps us to develop a sense of identity. But too much of a good thing makes it difficult to take responsibility for self.

Sometimes this process starts earlier. Our family norm is to say a very simple grace at meals. Our three year-old grandson has been folding his hands for quite some time but doesn’t actually say the words of grace. His parents told him that when he was three, he would say the words because that’s what big boys do. So far, that hasn’t happened. That’s OK. Forcing him to do it will only make things worse. That’s when surrounding togetherness pressure becomes a problem.

On the flip-side, like his great-grandfather, our grandson says the Lord’s Prayer at bedtime. He’s pretty much got it down. I think it gives him a sense of comfort and grounding. For me, it emphasizes a deep connection between him, us and the great-grandfather that he won’t likely remember when he’s older.

That’s the upside of surrounding togetherness pressure.

The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland.  This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.