Wikimedia Commons Photo by Martinvl
Reconciliation Statue
Reconciling after conflict can be difficult, but well worth the work. Reconciliation by Vasconcellos.
When I scroll through Facebook or watch the evening news my lizard brain goes into action. This is the primitive part of the brain that reacts to threats with the fight or flight reflex. My blood starts to boil and I think what a jerk! How can they believe that?!
Of course once I calm down, I can think more rationally. It’s a good thing I resist the urge to type my feelings in a responsive rant. One of the worst places is a large Facebook clergy group. The way they treat each other is brutal.
Our country is as divided as I have ever seen in my lifetime. There are strong opinions on just about every issue that divide us, and those issues are many.
Disagreement is not a bad thing. In fact as a leader you want people to be honest with you so that you can focus on the best possible outcome for your organization’s mission. Disagreeing for the sake of the mission is a good thing. It will produce better ideas and more innovative approaches to problems.
The problem is, we don’t like people to disagree with us. Studies show that when we receive criticism we tend to drop those people from our social network. We want to be with people who affirm who we are and who think like we do. But, this tends to promote group think.
As I think about the great divide in our country, I believe that the way we can navigate this in the same way we encourage healthy disagreement in the organizations we serve.
Here are three things that I have found to help.
Own what I believe.
Effective leaders say what they believe, while giving others the freedom to disagree. There are two parts to this. The first is to be willing to say what you believe. If you can do this in a non-anxious way, taking responsibility for your own position, you create emotional space that gives others the freedom to disagree. If you feel anxiety because you feel others have to agree with you, then it’s time to examine yourself to find out why that is. Chances are it will go back to someplace in your family of origin.
Don’t judge.
People don’t negotiate their closely held values. Just because they may disagree with yours doesn’t make them a bad person. The worst thing about the great divide is that we tend to demonize our opponents.
This is really easy to do when I’m watching TV news. I can yell at the image on the screen and rant and rave. This is harder to do with Facebook friends. When I see a Facebook friend with an opinion with which I disagree, I remind myself that they are not a bad person. I knew them when I went to school with them, or worked with them, or met them in some other context.
When I remind myself that everybody has opinions, and their opinions don’t necessarily reflect their character, then I can get out of my lizard brain and leave my anxiety behind.
Realize that I might be wrong.
I was talking to a colleague recently. She and I are on opposite sides of a particular issue. She said, “I pray, ‘God if I’m wrong, change my mind.’” I love this.
I have strongly held opinions, but it’s always possible that I am wrong. Being able to keep this in mind makes it easier to allow others the freedom to disagree.
What I’m hoping is that we can navigate this great divide without tearing each other apart.
I also believe that this approach is the most effective way to be a leader. You will end up with better ideas and more vigorous debate. Counterintuitively, once a decision has been made you’ll actually get more passionate buy in from the entire team. If everybody feels they have been heard, they are more likely to go along with what is decided, even if it is not what they wanted.
I’ll say it again. Effective leaders are able to say what they believe, while giving others the freedom to disagree. I think the same applies to good citizenship.
The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as the Executive Director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Centreville, Md. He blogs at The Non-Anxious Leader from which his posts are republished with the author's permission.