Separation

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The Central Texas Conference had a special called Conference on September 16 so that we could vote on churches wishing to disaffiliate from the United Methodist Church. There were 81 churches that we voted on out of about 300 churches. In my district or region, we had 26 churches leave. That is a lot of churches.

It was a sad day. Yet, our Bishop did his best to provide a space to acknowledge and support the grief, loss, anger, and frustration that we were all feeling. I took a couple of pictures of the event. The first was of us all worshiping together. All the clergy and lay delegates present to vote. The second picture is after pastors and laity for those 82 churches left; it is what is now the Central Texas Conference. And it is not over. I know of many churches that are currently in the process of deciding if they want to disaffiliate as well.

This day had a lot of emotions.

When we first arrived and greeted each other, what might generally feel like a family reunion, where we all got together to encourage and support each other, felt tense. We have been spread out over miles serving and loving our congregations, and we usually come together and see the power of Jesus in all the things we do. However, this time, I felt weird. I was not sure who to hug, say hello to and how are you, and to whom I needed to say goodbye. Many people that I saw as a family now have decided to separate. Our connectional system was full of disconnection. There had been months of hurt from our previous Bishop, who divided and isolated and then relinquished his credentials so that he could be a part of a new denomination. Some conference leaders actively tried encouraging congregations to leave, sometimes with false information and rumors. Pastors on both sides actively contacted churches they had previously served and undermined the current pastor’s authority.

It has been painful and frustrating. Walking into that room, I did not know my allegiances. I did not know who was safe and if I was unsafe to others. It was such a weird feeling.

As usual, my husband buzzed around greeting and talking to friends; I took the kids (who I forced to attend since we had another event afterward in the area) and found a seat. My daughter attended Conference in June and had some interest in the goings-on. So, instead of going to a friend’s office to play, they chose to stay with us. I was not my usual social self. I was scared and hurt. So much pain and different feelings were brewing in me. My empathic nature was overwhelmed.

I felt betrayed. Betrayal that people who pledged to uphold the doctrine and polity of the United Methodist Church during ordination services just this summer and for years before were now leaving. Now I know they would claim that their departure was because of failures by other UM leadership to follow the Discipline (the United Methodist book of rules, regulations, and policies), but it still felt like their covenants were false. They lied. They are not the community I thought they were.

I felt angry. Anger that so many people were perpetuating lies and trying to hurt or recruit other churches. Voting to stay or leave only leaves people hurt, angry, and divided. It divides congregations with accusations about who is following the Bible, following the Discipline, and loving and worshiping God the right way. Taking a vote always leaves people out. And people hurt.

I felt sad, not just at the loss of my colleagues and sister churches, but that pettiness was creeping in. Sadness and fear that small churches will not find what they want after leaving. They will struggle to hire pastors, and equity in clergy will decrease. I am sad and fearful that these congregations will die after a split. They do not know what they are stepping into. Some churches left to go to a newly created denomination, while others went independent.

I also feel a sense of relief. Relief that the end of the vast majority of disaffiliations. So that I can begin to see who is left and who my community will be, it is a sense that we are moving forward and getting back to the good stuff of serving God and others.

The Conference consisted of one very long worship service, with legalities in the middle. The conclusion of the Conference had us voting on a budget. We were wise not to vote on a budget with votes from those choosing to leave. So those of us staying can look forward to tomorrow.

So many feelings. My heart is broken. I know that other Conferences are struggling, and I feel so lucky we have a Bishop actively working to help heal the churches and clergy in our Conference. I know that Sunday, the day after the Conference, and like every Sunday, is a new day. It is a mini Easter, a celebration of the resurrection of Christ. The sun comes up, a new day is dawning.

On the 17th, I was blessed to lead worship for a friend on vacation. We praised God, and I shared the assurance that God is enough.

My congregation is still struggling with disaffiliation, as many other churches are, but today, I will remember that the sun came up, and a new day dawned. We will keep loving others and loving God.

The Rev. Rachel Heyduck describes herself as "a pastor, wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend. I love to write, create, ponder, and reflect." This post is republished with permission from her blog, "Heyduck Coaching." To reproduce this content elsewhere, please email the author.