A Pastoral Aptitude Test

Give This to Your Pastor

by

Special to United Methodist Insight

Do you occasionally have doubts about your vocational calling? The following examination will help you know whether you have the made the right decision. You have three hours to complete the following questions. Begin immediately.

  1. General Aptitude. Walk on water. Any body of water more than six feet deep will do. If no water is available, you may move a mountain instead.
  2. Sermon Preparation. You have been given Strong’s Concordance, the 12 volumes of The Interpreter’s Bible and the 13–volume Works of Wesley. Contrast the role of law in the Old Testament with that of the New Testament and compare these with the attitudes of Wesley. Now relate these to the lectionary reading for this Sunday.
  3. Theology. Compare Philo Judeus’ concept of creation with that of Karl Barth. Do not use any secondary sources.
  4. Education. Recruit a sane teacher for the seventh grade Sunday school class. Now, get that person to return a second Sunday.
  5. Calling. Convince two Mormon missionaries to join your church.
  6. Preaching. Five hundred members of Good News are meeting with an equal number of MFSA members. Harmonize the concerns of these groups. You may speak in either Greek or Aramaic.
  1. Finances. Get your 200-member congregation to pay off the $500,000 mortgage while paying all apportionments and your fair-share payment to the pension fund drive.
  2. Conflict Resolutions. You will be issued one Christian militia man and one Shite Muslim. Get the pair to agree on whether the name is Abraham or Ibrahim ibn Azar.
  3. Parsonage Life. Convince the parsonage committee to paint your living room in a color you like that is not on sale. If you do not live in a parsonage, you must convert water into wine for an equal score.
  4. Pastoral Care. Using only nondirective techniques, counsel each inmate in the state prison. Now arrange for them to be released into your custody.
  5. General Administration. Memorize and explain the Discipline. Do not omit any paragraph. Be brief.

Conclusion

Score 10 points for each correct answer. If you score 90 or below, you do not qualify for the pastoral ministry. Find a position on the annual conference cabinet.

The Rev. Rich Peck, a retired clergy member of the New York Annual Conference, is a veteran United Methodist communicator.