Bad Romance: Never Getting Back Together
Oct. 3, 2018
The public stage is a terrible place to be shamed, especially for something as private and intimate as a sexual encounter. Everyone has comments and opinions on the accuser and the one accused. Everyone is talking about something you wish you could forget.
The Kavanaugh-Ford hearing in itself has been utterly painful, but add to it the national conversation and it’s easy to forget that the people at the center of the controversy are made in the image of God, redeemed by his blood. Many of us wonder what our role should be: believe the victim? Or presume the accused is innocent until proven guilty? Regardless of the outcome of this present situation, the national conversation around Judge Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford is likely to prove to victims that it’s better to be silent, to keep it to yourself, than to endure the pain of being shamed for telling the truth.
As a youth minister, it’s hard not to watch and think about how things we did or experienced as teenagers have a lifelong impact. It’s hard not to watch and think about what lessons our teenagers are taking away from this conversation…which ones will think it is okay to take advantage of someone because no one will believe them…which ones will think they must live forever alone in their shame because no one will believe them. (Learn more from the Trauma Institute at this link).
Now, John Wesley was never accused of sexual assault, so I’m hoping talking about this topic doesn’t confuse my audience. He became romantically involved with a young woman, Sophy Hopkey, during his ministry years in Savannah, Georgia. Sophy displayed a keen interest in John’s teaching, and he was impressed with her commitment to discipleship. I see no indication that they were ever sexually inappropriate, but it seems clear that Sophy was hoping John would marry her, and he kind of blindsided her by suddenly recommitting himself to celibacy and never getting married.
Now, 18-year-old Sophy was already engaged to one man who was in jail when she and Wesley flirted, and her family had hoped she would choose the minister over the felon. But when the pastor turned down her affections, Sophy would go on to very quickly marry her guardian’s clerk, William Williamson. This devastated John more than he thought it would, for he had somehow convinced himself that their love was true and forever, and that if John would be forever celibate, then so would Sophy. He twisted her words in his mind and accused her of being a false person, that she had presented herself to him as devout and holy and with an eye for him only, but in reality she was just playing him to get married. He convinced himself that Sophy had forsaken her values, if she ever had any, and like Sandy in the movie Grease, changed into some unholy vixen in order to be with this other man.
While it would definitely be a problem today, the scandal was never that 30-something John as pastor dated 18-year-old church member, Sophy. In the 1700s this was neither uncommon nor outrageous. The scandal was that John refused Sophy and William communion, publicly shaming them for being “unrepentant,” presumably about her “lies” about being forever with John. The scandal was that John, a clergy person with authority and power, used the body and blood of Christ to publicly shame and humiliate his ex-girlfriend. The scandal was that John, a clergy person with authority and power, believed so much in his own righteousness and his own reputation that he boldly and publicly discredited the woman that he himself broke up with. He was the reason they were not together, and yet he blamed her for moving on. And now, as someone who had power over confession and forgiveness, John cast doubt into the minds of the church over what kind of sin Sophy must have done to ban her from receiving the free grace of Jesus Christ in such a public way.
John would continue to see himself as the victim and the good guy, but the truth is, he was too self-centered and concerned with his own righteousness to see how his actions were harming others. As we enter conversations with our children and our friends, with our church and our co-workers, as you type that comment below that Facebook post, are you talking like John Wesley here? Are you speaking from such a self-righteous place that you don’t care how it harms the other person? Are you so sure that you are right that you don’t care how much it silences the ones who cannot speak?
Maybe we should take the advice of Rev. Debbie Dehler of St. Alban’s Episcopal Church, Indiana:
“I’m not here to tell you what I believe. I think I’m here to ask you to be open to listening.
Be open to listen because there are many people, like me, who have unconsciously dug up long-buried memories who might need to talk. They might be talking about it for the first time or the hundredth. I ask you to listen. … Simply listen. Do not try to fix. Do not try to explain. Do not do anything but provide for them the safe place in which to express their story. Respect their physical boundaries. Ask for permission to speak or to touch. This is a vulnerable time, and they trusted you to share it with them. That is a sacred gift.
And lest you think I’m not showing compassion to those who have been accused of behaviors they may or may not have committed, I want you to hear me say that they, too, need to be heard with the same kind of respect and concern.”
When not drawing the Wesley Bros cartoon, the Rev. Charlie Baber, a United Methodist deacon, serves as minister of discipleship for youth and families at Highland United Methodist Church in Raleigh, N.C. His cartoon appears on United Methodist Insight by special arrangement.