Iowa Annual Conference | Feb. 3, 2025
I realize this is probably not news to you, but we live in a polarized world. It’s harder and harder for us to agree on things. Most of our elections are not overwhelming victories, but razor-thin majorities. The notion of coming together for the common good seems old-fashioned and far off. Again, I’m sure this is not news to you.
But as both a pastoral leader and simply a road-weary Christian, I have been eager to cut through the polarization. In the Church it ought to be different, right? Right? Well, that is the hope. So, in this season, as I think about how we as the church have an opportunity and obligation to do life together, I have been trying to garner resources that speak to this.
Two female Bishops, one United Methodist and one Episcopalian, have helped me sort this through and answer: What does it look like to live together in harmony even amid our differences?
Perhaps you know retired United Methodist Bishop Sally Dyck from her time leading in our jurisdiction and helping us through difficult seasons in our denomination. She has put together a list of principles to guide “holy conferencing,” a practice developed by John Wesley to have intentional conversations—often difficult ones—together as guided by grace. I think her principles can help us set some ground rules not just in how we do church together, but in our everyday lives as well.[1]
And perhaps you’ve come to know, maybe just recently, Bishop Marianne Edgar Budde, Bishop in the Episcopal Church and Bishop of Washington, D.C. since 2011. She made quite a stir last week for preaching the Gospel and asking elected officials to have mercy on the marginalized. It was a powerful moment in what was a powerful speech about unity. Much of the press about it has focused on the last 90 seconds of her sermon, but if you haven’t watched the whole thing, I implore you to do so.[2]
Though with different aims, both Bishops seek to help us serve the present age by reminding us that how we treat one another—particularly by listening well—is exceedingly important. I want to lift Bishop Dyck’s principles alongside Bishop Budde’s wisdom around unity to help us in this divisive season. It is a hard path to follow, but as Bishop Budde says, it’s a big ask for a big God!
The apostle Paul’s words in Colossians 3:12-17 serve as a blueprint:
“Therefore, as God’s choice, holy and loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with each other... and over all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. The peace of Christ must control your hearts—a peace into which you were called in one body.”
Paul’s call to “put on love” challenges us to engage in conversations that heal rather than harm, even in contentious moments. In the United Methodist Church, one of the ways we live this out is through holy conferencing.
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, considered holy conferencing a “means of grace” alongside prayer, fasting, and the sacraments. It’s not just a meeting or debate—it’s a sacred practice where we intentionally seek the Holy Spirit’s presence in our conversations. Bishop Sally Dyck describes it as a way “to discern the Holy Spirit in [our] conversation and decision-making process.” In our divided world, this practice offers a much-needed path toward unity.
But unity doesn’t mean uniformity. As Bishop Mariann Budde reminds us, “Unity is not conformity. It is not a victory of one over another... It is a way of being with one another that encompasses and respects differences.” This perspective invites us to reimagine how we approach difficult conversations. Below are principles from both Bishop Dyck and Bishop Budde that can guide us in practicing holy conferencing.
1. Every Person is a Child of God
Bishop Dyck’s first principle for holy conferencing is foundational: Recognize every person as a child of God, created in God’s image. When we see others as beloved by God, it becomes harder to demonize or dismiss them. Bishop Budde echoes this when she speaks of those who help others in times of natural disaster: “They never ask those they are helping for whom they voted... We are at our best when we follow their example.”
This perspective calls us to see past labels and ideologies, recognizing the inherent worth of each person. Whether behind a keyboard or face-to-face, do you see each person as a child of God?
2. Listen Before Speaking
James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Holy conferencing invites us to practice deep, intentional listening. Bishop Dyck describes this as “suspend[ing] judgment” and “listen[ing] deeply to understand others’ perspectives.”
Bishop Budde frames it as a way to “hold multiple perspectives and life experiences as valid and worthy of respect.” Listening in this way doesn’t mean we agree with everything we hear, but it opens the door for empathy and mutual understanding. It’s such a fundamental life lesson and yet it’s one I still have to commit to over and over again. Let our ears be bigger than our mouths!
3. Strive to Understand Another’s Point of View
True understanding requires humility. Paul’s call to “put on compassion and humility” reminds us that our perspective is not the only one—or even the complete one. Bishop Dyck encourages us to “approach conversations with humility,” setting aside pride to truly see others.
This practice reflects Jesus’ example, who consistently engaged with those society marginalized, not to affirm all their views but to affirm their worth. There are limits to what we can tolerate, but not to what we can seek to understand.
4. Strive to Reflect Accurately the Views of Others
This one is an underrated principle. It is one thing to listen well, but to accurately reflect views not your own requires deep humility, honesty, and grace. As Bishop Budde reminds us, true unity values differences and fosters a sacrificial love that holds multiple perspectives as valid and worthy of respect.
Bishop Sally Dyck echoes this, urging us to “give others the benefit of the doubt” and to “assume the best instead of the worst.” Misrepresenting others diminishes their humanity, but honest, grace-filled dialogue builds trust and reflects the love of Christ. In a divided world, this sacred practice is a powerful witness to the unity God desires for us all.
5. Speak About Issues; Do Not Defame People
It’s easy to let frustration turn into personal attacks, but holy conferencing challenges us to focus on the issues, not the person. Bishop Dyck writes, “Avoid gossip, name-calling, and harmful assumptions about others’ intentions.” Instead, speak with clarity and respect.
Paul’s words in Colossians remind us of this: “Whatever you do, whether in speech or action, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus.” Our words should reflect Christ’s love and integrity. I know I have been guilty of letting well-reasoned frustration get the best of me into a less-than-well-reasoned response. Keep your eyes on the prize.
6. Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
Conflict is inevitable, but division doesn’t have to be. Bishop Dyck encourages us to disagree with grace, resisting the cultural pull toward bitterness or malice. Bishop Budde adds that unity is “sacrificial, in the way that love is sacrificial, a giving of ourselves for the sake of another.”
This doesn’t mean abandoning our convictions; it means approaching disagreements with a spirit of love and respect, building bridges instead of walls. I truly believe that one conversation with someone who thinks differently than you is worth ten conversations with like-minded folks.
7. Pray Before, During, and After Conversations
Prayer is a cornerstone of holy conferencing. Bishop Dyck writes, “Pray for those who disagree with you, allowing God to challenge biases and open hearts.” Prayer shifts our focus from our own agendas to God’s will, creating space for the Spirit to work.
Bishop Budde emphasizes that prayer must inform our actions: “God is never impressed with prayers when actions are not informed by them.” When we pray for guidance, we are called to follow through with Christ-like words and deeds.
8. Let Prayer Interrupt Your Busy-ness
In the heat of conflict or decision-making, pausing for prayer can refocus our hearts. Bishop Dyck encourages us to let prayer interrupt our busyness, reminding us to seek understanding and act in love.
Bishop Budde frames this as part of a larger call to unity: “Unity... is aspirational, a big ask of our God, worthy of the best of who we are and can be.” Prayer invites us to embody that aspiration, even when it feels beyond reach.
Practicing holy conferencing isn’t about avoiding conflict or pretending we agree on everything. It’s about creating space for the Holy Spirit to work, allowing God’s grace to guide our conversations.
Bishop Budde challenges us to pursue a unity that “fosters community across diversity and division.” It’s not a superficial harmony but a deep commitment to one another as children of God. And it’s not easy. It will blow up in our faces sometimes as it’s not a magic kumbaya wand or eight steps to lollipops and rainbows—it’s a practice of working within our brokenness, and that gets messy. But as Paul reminds us, he urges us on: “Over all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”
I don’t know if I will even get close to mastering half of these principles. But in a world desperate for healing, I know it is worth my – our — effort. May we be people who seek unity—not conformity, but the kind of unity that reflects Christ’s sacrificial love. Through holy conferencing, both in the business of the church and the business of our lives, may we embody conversations that heal, transform, and reflect the peace of Christ. May it be so.
[1] Read her article titled “Eight Principles of Holy Conferencing” here: https://mnumc-email.brtapp.com/files/eefiles/documents/holy_conferencing_study_guide_2012.pdf
[2] Watch Bishop Budde’s sermon here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwwaEuDeqM8&list=LL&index=1&pp=gAQBiAQB
Brian E Williams
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The Rev. Brian E. Williams serves as pastor of Pella United Methodist Church in the Iowa Annual Conference. This post is republished from the conference's spiritual formation series, "Abiding in Hope."