Empathy group
Illustration Courtesy of Richard Bryant
Empathy! Let’s talk about it. Empathy is what your therapist keeps telling you to have, what your mom wishes your dad had more of, and what your dog displays every time you stub your toe on the ottoman. Seriously, how is it that dogs who drink out of toilets have more empathy than most people? If dogs can do it, why can’t we?
What is empathy? Well, it’s not sympathy. Sympathy is, “Oh, you fell in a hole? That sucks. Hope you have a ladder.” Empathy is more like, “Oh no, you fell in a hole? Let me jump in there with you; even though this is the worst decision I’ve made all day, at least now, we’re both miserable.” It’s the ability to feel what someone else is feeling, which sounds lovely in theory but, in practice, is like trying to enjoy someone else’s hangover. No thanks!
But empathy is essential! We’re social creatures, right? Empathy is what keeps us from becoming total monsters, like the sociopaths who don’t return their shopping carts. I don’t understand these people. It’s as if they’ve decided, “You know what? I’ve done enough today. This cart is dead to me now.” But with empathy, you think, “Hey, if I don’t return this cart, some poor minimum-wage worker will have to chase it across the parking lot, and they already had a tough day dealing with someone who demanded to speak to the manager.”
Now, here’s the thing about empathy: it’s hard. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube, but instead of colored squares, it’s other people’s feelings, and you’re colorblind. You want to get it right, but you’re usually just spinning the cube around, pretending you know what you’re doing.
Take, for instance, listening to someone vent about their problems. You’re sitting there, nodding along, going, “Yeah, totally, that sounds awful,” while your brain is desperately trying to figure out if you’re supposed to offer words of encouragement or keep nodding like one of those bobblehead dolls. Half the time, you say, “That’s really tough. Have you tried journaling, yoga, or meditation?” Do not allow these words to leave your mouth. This has become the modern advice equivalent of “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
Empathy is put to the test in relationships. When you’re single, you think, “I’m a very empathetic person.” But then you get into a relationship and realize, “Oh no, I’m just a person who likes the idea of empathy.” Because now, it’s not just about understanding someone else’s feelings; it’s about doing it while you’re also angry that they left the toilet seat down for the tenth time this week.
Imagine this: your partner comes home from a long day and is upset because Karen from the finance office gave them attitude. You’re supposed to empathize, right? But all you can think is, “Yeah, but I had a long day, too, and the Wi-Fi was out for an hour!” You’re both tired and cranky; somehow, empathy becomes a competition of who had the worst day. Spoiler alert: nobody wins that game.
Here’s where things get tricky. We live in a world where there seems to be an empathy deficit. We used to have plenty of it, but somewhere along the way, we collectively decided, “Eh, we’re good. Let’s use what we have left on our pets.” And you know what? Fair. Hurley, my black lab, got it. She was always there, looking at me like, “Yeah, I get it. Life’s rough. Want to rub my belly?” Meanwhile, people are out there ghosting each other, leaving hateful comments online, and not tipping their wait staff. What happened to us?
Maybe it’s because empathy requires us to slow down and in a world of instant everything, who has time for that? We’ve got fast food, fast internet, and fast fashion. We’re all in a hurry, but empathy? Empathy takes time. It’s like, “Ugh, do I have to sit here and feel things with you? I have a Netflix series to binge.”
But here’s the bright side: empathy isn’t just about feeling bad when someone else feels bad. It’s also about feeling good when someone else feels good. It’s why we cheer at weddings, cry at movies, and throw surprise parties even though everyone secretly hates them. Empathy connects us. It’s what makes us human, even when we’re at our most ridiculous.
Empathy is worth the effort. It reminds us that other people matter, even when they’re being the absolute worst. It makes us hold the door open for someone else or leave a nice note on someone’s car instead of just keying it like we want to.
Empathy is like a muscle. It’s weak when we don’t use it, but it can become our greatest strength with a little effort. So, let’s all be cool and try to understand each other a little better. Because if Hurley, who thought eating Kleenex was a valid life choice, could show empathy, then so can we.
Empathy can be tough. It can make you cry over a dog in a movie or smile like a fool because someone else is happy. But it’s also what makes you call your friend at 2 a.m. because you just have a feeling they need to talk. It’s what makes you bring soup to someone who’s sick or stand up for someone who can’t stand up for themselves. Empathy is why we’re not just a bunch of robots, wandering around, bumping into each other, but actual people who care about each other.