'Help Me To Understand'

Opinion

by

Perspectives

A screenshot of a series of fraught text messages followed by a phone conversation with a much younger friend who asked for advice prompted me to ponder the conversational gulf between the Evangelical/Trump/Musk-supporting wing of Christianity and the Progressive/Bishop Budde-supporting wing.

We live in different worlds, and communication chasms threaten to destroy relationships and souls on both sides. Each side accuses the other of being “unbiblical.” Each silently (or not silently) condemns those on the other side to an eternity of hellfire and damnation or, at the very least, to the trash heap of heretical ignoramuses.

“Remember, politics has always been the home for thieves, sycophants, and the dishonorably-power-hungry..."

I told my young friend, “Remember, politics has always been the home for thieves, sycophants, and the dishonorably-power-hungry no matter which side you land on. Yes, the US may or may not survive as a Democracy under the current leadership, but identical thoughts have been floating around for 200 years.

“Right now, I think it is a toss-up. A big shake-up is not necessarily bad—bureaucracy can and does become moribund. However, the blueprint for the rebuilding, staffed only with loyalists often without much expertise or institutional knowledge, leaves me thinking we’ll end up with a more autocratic government with far fewer freedoms than we enjoy now.

“But none of these things, as much anguish as they bring to my mind, cause that much grief for me.

“What pushes the knife most painfully into my soul? How so much of Christianity has thrown its unwavering and often unexamined support behind such Mr. Trump as a religious icon. Until we understand the whys and wherefores of that support, we cannot even begin to bridge the tragic breaks in relationships you and I have both seen and experienced.”

So, throughout our conversation, I generated some suggestions for her—and for me, as I also struggle terribly with this—as to how to reconnect with friends and relatives who share the Christian faith but can no longer tolerate the politics of the other.

Seven Rules

I will distill that lengthy conversation into seven rules. Before I do, please note what I mean by the phrase “widows, orphans, and sojourners,” which is taken from the Bible as those to whom we are mandated to show hospitality. I use hospitality, a core biblical principle, to illustrate a possible conversation.

A good way to translate the “widows, orphans, sojourners” into today’s world is to understand that they represented the most vulnerable of society in biblical times. These were more likely to be misused, abused, and/or experience medical neglect and starvation with agonizing deaths.

Within the framework of first-century Middle-Eastern culture (in many ways not dissimilar to today), those excluded from a family group or larger clan headed by a patriarch had no hope of survival. Widows, orphans and sojourners generally had no larger family groupings to call upon, leaving them prey to the worst of human impulses.

Today’s equivalents? The “homeless, the undocumented immigrants, the LGBTQIA+.” 

Today’s equivalents? The “homeless, the undocumented immigrants, the LGBTQIA+.” More relevant but not nearly so poetic to say, so we’ll stick with the phrase from the Bible.

Now, the rules.

Rule Number One

Put your defensiveness aside. Assume that the person across the divide has good motives and reasons for the decision. If you enter the conversation with the determination to prove the other wrong, there is no hope of laying even one plank of a reconnecting bridge.

Rule Number Two

Ask questions with an open mind to receive the answer. Go back to Rule Number One and decide NOT to listen for ways to destroy the other person’s argument. Instead, listen with the intent to understand.

Rule Number Three

Never, ever state your questions in a blaming manner, like, “How can you possibly support that immoral, lying, sexual reprobate?” Trust me, it doesn’t work. Instead, return to Rule Number One. Put down your defenses. Intentionally make yourself vulnerable to learn from that other person. Yes, this is extremely difficult.

Rule Number Four

Pay close attention to yourself while listening to the answers. If you sense your anger rising (which means you violated Rule Number One!) or find yourself grabbing for the best arguments to take down their reasoning, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT and practice deep breathing.

Now, express your confusion with this question, “Help me understand . . .” This phrase becomes the constant—as long as you follow Rule Number One! If it turns into an attack phrase rather than one of honest inquiry, all hope of connection is lost.

Here is an example, “Help me understand the ways you reconcile the Bible’s commands to welcome the widow, orphan and sojourner with the current plans to export the millions of undocumented workers who have brought no harm and do many of the kinds of labors that are necessary for all of us to live comfortably?”

When they respond, “Well, they should have come in legally,” you might say, “Help me understand how you perceive our current immigration rules and regulations working.”

Few, of course, will have an answer here. Once mutual ignorance of the processes involved in legal immigration is acknowledged (let’s face it: you don’t know either: here’s an article that describes just one piece of it for religious workers), you might try this question: “Help me understand what you would do if you knew your daughter would be sold into sex slavery and your son conscripted into a murderous gang if you didn’t get out of the country forever? What if you, personally, have already endured multiple rapes, robberies and beatings, and your entire family is on the verge of starvation? You never had an opportunity for an education but desperately want some for your children. You’ve heard whispers that there is hope if someone can get across the border into the US. There is no hope now where you live.”

Now: just listen. Gently, GENTLY ask probing questions, all with the idea of “help me understand” behind them.

Again, remember Rule Number One: If you cannot honestly desire an understanding of the other’s point of view but only wish to browbeat or argue them into your own, do NOT initiate this conversation.

Rule Number Five

If, upon the initiation of this conversation, you find yourself the recipient of such phrases as “Well, Biden did that or Obama did that,” acknowledge the weaknesses and challenges of their administrations but do not get sidetracked and defend them. Instead, immediately return to the question you have asked.

If the other person insists on those kinds of phrases, then you might respond with, “Here’s what I am facing. You and I are both Christians. We both love God and respect biblical authority (assuming these things are indeed true of both). I genuinely need to understand your support of the current President’s deportation plans and am working on how to do that. Sidetracking this conversation with statements like, ‘Well Biden did this and Obama did that’ does not seem to help. Right now, I’m trying to understand the present reality and the ways that you see this response as true to the Bible.”

Are you catching the drift here? Your job is to keep them explaining their reasoning. Eventually, slowly, painfully, some underlying motives may surface. My guess? The ultimate reason for supporting the current iteration of the GOP is fear. To be human is to fear the other, to fear there will not be enough, to fear anything different from what they’ve known will end up destroying them and the lives they have built.

Mr. Trump campaigned on that fear and continues to exacerbate it.

Rule Number Six

Examine your fears honestly. What shuts you down? What frightens you the most? Without self-honesty, we cannot ask for deep truthfulness from another.

Keep in mind that when fear wins and/or becomes the primary motive for decision-making, all hope is lost. Once it takes the upper hand, fear always shuts us down and builds fortresses, not bridges. Until we thoroughly examine our nagging fears and see how they affect us, we cannot take steps to reduce our fear of others.:

Courage is never the absence of fear.

Check out your fear level right now. If you see it rise (and yes, mine is), observe what it does to you. It wins if it shuts you down and keeps you from loving and generous actions toward yourself and others. When that happens, the relationship chasms will grow to an even more dangerous divide.

Of course, courage is never the absence of fear. Instead, courage consists of making wise choices in the face of fear. Courage is an intentional act of self-examination and self-calming. Those two acts give us the freedom to find compassion for others and the determination to live with integrity no matter the cost.

One big issue you need to keep in mind: most people's biggest fear is discovering they are wrong, especially if they find they may be mistaken about the fundamental beliefs that hold their lives together. Most will hold onto those bedrock beliefs to the death rather than re-examine and possibly change them. It’s a very, very difficult process.

Here’s the catch: you and I might also be wrong about some of our fundamental beliefs. That’s why understanding others remains so utterly challenging.

Rule Number Seven

When you find yourself challenged or even attacked for your choices or beliefs, ask the “help me understand what you want from this conversation” question. It could be a turning point for both of you.

If it becomes likely that the other only wants to browbeat/argue you into a corner, simply gracefully exit the conversation. If, however, the hope of shared understanding sits behind the question, remember Rule Number One and plunge in. It’s worth a try.

The Rev. Dr. Christy Thomas is an author, columnist and retired clergy member of the former North Texas Annual Conference, now the Horizon Texas Annual Conference of The United Methodist Church. This post is republished with permission from her Substack column, "Pondering Life, Old Age, and a Crazy World."