Special to United Methodist Insight | Dec. 1, 2025
We all carry some legitimate shame for things we have done wrong, for actions that have hurt others and ourselves. Spiritual growth begins when we are willing to examine, and take responsibility for, this shadow side of ourselves.
John Bradshaw (1933-2016) was the author of six books, including "Healing the Shame that Binds Us." His work sold over 10 million copies and was published in 42 languages. (Photo Courtesy of John Sumwalt)
"Toxic shame, on the other hand," Bradshaw warns, "turns us against ourselves. We hear everything that is said to us as an attack..."
There is something to be learned from the shame we carry. Psychotherapist and columnist Philip Chard wrote about the good that can come from shame. He told of a client who came to him with a desire to improve her life.
Chard said to her, "You may want to look at what you're ashamed of in yourself,"
"Why would I do that?" she wondered.
Chard said, "Because shame marks the mental boundary between that portion of yourself that you accept and express, and that which you find reprehensible and try to reject and hide. That's where you'll find your next step...Too often, we establish goals for self-improvement that fail to affect changes at a core level..."
Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. His "Out of My Mind" column appears weekly in The Shepherd Express.
Chard wrote, "Now, shame may not seem like a helpful tool in growing one's personhood, but it can be. It points us to those inner places where many of our self-defeating attitudes and mental scripts reside. It takes us to that crucial point where we can choose to look at ourselves with courageous honesty, rather than denial...."
Chard added, "Basically, one must find a way to let oneself off thehook, whether through atonement (making amends), contrition (confession) or rituals of spiritual cleansing and release."
Holy Communion is that kind of releasing ritual for many of us. Kneeling at the communion rail, asking for forgiveness for one's sin opens the heart to receive fully the grace and love Jesus offers to all who come to him. And having been restored by grace, we can then become bearers of grace to others.
Henri Nouwen wrote, "Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, 'How can we hide our wounds?' so we don't have to be embarrassed, but 'How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?' When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers."
Henri Jozef Machiel Nouwen. (1932 – 1996) was a Dutch Catholic priest, professor, writer and theologian. In one of his many best selling books, "The Wounded Healer," Nouwen wrote, "When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers." (Courtesy Photo)
Shame is a good place to begin when we want to improve our lives and when we want to draw closer to God. But we need not remain in our shame. Let it go, the author of Hebrews writes: "...lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame..." (Hebrews 12:1b-2a).
I imagine that when we come to the end of our lives, and move over into that other dimension of reality we call heaven, there will be a reckoning, but not the kind predicted by Bible-thumping preachers who warn of an angry judgmental God. Some people who have had near-death experiences tell of meeting with a counsel of wise old souls who guided them in a loving life review.
No doubt for all of us, even in an atmosphere where we are surrounded by unconditional love, we will remember more than a few events in our lives that cause guilt and remorse.
And then I imagine that those wise old souls will look at us, with eyes filled with grace and love, and say, "There is no shame in heaven. Let it go. Learn from it, then move on into the joy of the Lord."
John Sumwalt
John Sumwalt is a retired United Methodist pastor and the author of "Shining Moments: Visions of the Holy in Ordinary Lives."