Building a Village of Support: Clergy and the Care of the Grieving

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As clergy leaders, you’re there offering support for your people throughout a range of emotional times and experiences. One of the most difficult of these is dealing with death, the loss of a loved one.

You were stretched thin emotionally during the height of the Covid pandemic, and you continue to be now, with aging congregations and frequent funerals. But you’re still there offering comfort, compassion, and spiritual guidance to those who are grieving.

But who’s there for you in times of your own personal loss? Or simply when the death and dying starts to weigh too heavy on your shoulders. How can you share the burden, lightening your own load, without causing more pain?

Before I offer suggestions on lightening the load of grief, what I like to call building a village of support, let’s take a look at a common myth that clergy members face. The myth that clergy can’t ask their congregations for support when they are grieving.

Gestures Make a World of Difference

Here’s the thing: clergy are human. Dealing with the same emotions and vulnerabilities as everyone else. When grief hits, it hits hard. You might be the ones offering comfort and guidance to your congregation, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need support.

You’re not a walking motivational poster dispensing wisdom from a mountaintop. You are right there in the trenches with your congregants, feeling the weight of the world sometimes. Pretending otherwise does a disservice to everyone.

Here’s the good news: congregations can be incredible sources of strength for their clergy. A casserole in times of loss, a listening ear during a tough sermon prep week, or simply acknowledging your humanity – these gestures make a world of difference.

Develop a Support System

Create a network of support within your congregation that can offer practical assistance, emotional support, and spiritual guidance to those who are grieving.

You might be surprised at the amount of help you’ll receive. You’ve got a village of support already – volunteers who love to bake and cook, to provide childcare, to clean the fellowship hall, teach yoga, and to sit with the shut-ins. These people’s skills can be invaluable to providing a support system to the grieving.

Consider having a volunteer training for grief support and incorporate as many creative ideas from your volunteers as possible. Grief isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation, and sometimes what works for one person might not help another during their time of need.

Tip for YOU: When you’re grieving, reach out to the support network that you offer to others. They’ll be grateful to be able to help you in practical ways, without wondering what you might need.

Provide Resources

Share resources such as grief support groups, grief counseling services, and literature on coping with loss.

Reach out to community support providers and groups and invite them to speak to your congregation. Not only will they offer invaluable advice, but you’ll be forging new connections within your community.

Tip for YOU: Don’t forget these resources when facing a death of one of your own loved ones. Your congregation seeing their pastor using community resources will pave the way for them to feel more comfortable reaching out in times when they’re experiencing personal grief.

Practice Self-Care

Encourage grieving congregants to take part in activities and groups that you might already have established. Hiking, meditation, yoga, or a book club can bring comfort and spiritual renewal.

Tip for YOU: In caring for others, pastors can easily neglect themselves. Yet, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Get out in nature if that comforts you. Ride your bicycle, exercise, get together in a relaxed setting with friends. Seek professional help if needed.

Consider talking to your congregation about your needs and the importance of self-care for clergy leaders. You might be surprised at how willing people are to help. People in your congregation may be able to provide childcare, help with errands, or simply offer a listening ear.

We all know that grief can be isolating. You’ve made it clear to your congregation that they are not alone.  You’re there for them. Let them, and they’ll also be there for you. Grief is a heavy burden to carry, and no one should have to bear it alone.

My three year leadership group coaching program for clergy, “Creating a Culture of Renewal®”, will help you create a strong support system for yourself and those you serve, while transforming your leadership. Learn more on my free introductory webinar, “How Christian Ministries are Achieving Success”.

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