UM Insight Art
New Q
HUMOR
The ecclesiastical world was stunned last week when a noted archaeologist and theologian announced the discovery of a new “Q” document.
Like the Q (from the German word Quelle, meaning "source") document on which the Gospels of Matthew and Luke are based, the new Q has not actually been found. Rather, evidence has been gathered to infer the existence of such a manuscript.
Dr Harvey Botchup, a professor of archaeology and semantics, said his hypothesis is based upon a careful study of the language systems of some 35,000 United Methodist clergy.
“There can be no other explanation for the fact that so many seemingly educated persons across the nation use words in such peculiar ways," the professor told an astonished press conference in Washington.
He noted words such as prioritize internationalize, globalize, individualize, contextualize and marginalize. “There is no rational reason why any group of professionals would want to make nouns into verbs,” said the scientist. “I must therefore assume that there is an oral tradition which has informed this body.”
“These persons simply cannot be using Webster to come up with words such as ‘evangelization’,” said Dr. Botchup.
He noted constant references to “four areas of focus,” strange uses of terms such as “adaptive challenge” and “dashboard,” and the unlikely goal of “transforming the world.”
The professor further noted extraordinary uses of ordinary words. “I understand why this group talks about 'celebrating' the sacraments and 'sharing food',” he observed, “but they ‘celebrate ‘ potluck suppers and bus trips and they never say anything; they share everything. Even stranger,” he added, “is the fact that they don't read papers, they 'walk through documents’ and they ‘unpack’ Scripture readings.”
Asked about the author of Q, Dr. Botchup said, “The mysterious thing is that the author sounds more like a sociologist than a theologian. He talks more about structure, flow charts, goals, objectives and evaluation than he does about resurrection and atonement.”
The scientist further noted an unusual habit of putting letters together into unpronouncible words. He cited SPRC, GCFA, GBHEM, and GBGM.
“My first hunch,” said Dr. Botchup, “was that this was the continuation of the ancient Hebrew tradition of having a word that was too sacred to pronounce aloud, But after a study of the context in which the words are used, I’m convinced there is nothing holy about them.”
“One other characteristic of the Q document,” Observed the professor, “is that is seems to add the word ‘ministry’ after all sorts of unlikely nouns.“ He cited “leisure ministry,” “puppet ministry,” and “barroom ministry.”
“My theory,” he said, “is that adding this word allows clergy the right to participate in all sorts of questionable endeavors on company time without annoying guilt feelings. There’s even a ‘ministry of presence,’ he remarked, “for clergy who just like to hang around.”
Asked if there is a chance an archaeologist might someday find the actual document, Dr. Botchup responded, “I have team at work on that project at this very minute. However, I cannot disclose the exact location for fear another scientist will beat me to the find,” he explained.
The professor could answer no further questions as he had to catch a plane to Nashville.
Rich Peck is a retired clergy member of the New York Annual Conference and former editor of several national UM publications.