Coming Out with the New Book of Discipline

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Jan. 6, 2025 | DALLAS (UM News)

Key points:

  • The Rev. Dr. Rebekah Miles joins with many United Methodists in celebrating the removal of the denomination’s 52-year-old stance against same-sex relationships.
  • With her children’s encouragement, Miles also is using the occasion of the new Book of Discipline to discuss her own journey of self-discovery.
  • She writes that she wants to use her privilege to benefit others — noting that the church still has more work to do to ensure LGBTQ+ people are truly safe and welcome.

On Jan. 1, United Methodists welcomed a new, more inclusive Book of Discipline, which removed the punitive language about same-sex relationships.

Finally, we take our leave of the “incompatibility” clause, the infelicitous assertion dating from 1972 that same-sex relationships are “incompatible with Christian teaching.” I want to mark this happy moment by coming out as a gay woman.

When I was 15, I attended the 1976 United Methodist General Conference in Portland and watched from the stands as delegates re-affirmed that same-sex relationships were “incompatible with Christian teaching” and approved a new law prohibiting United Methodist bodies from using “funds to promote the acceptance of homosexuality.” The incompatibility clause and funding ban remained in effect until this New Year’s Day.

At that General Conference, a photographer snapped a picture of me, which appeared in the United Methodist Reporter. I vividly remember the moment: I was thinking about sex and a call to ordained ministry, not such a strange combination for a religious teenager. I had realized at 14 that I was attracted to both boys and girls, but the afternoon of this picture was my first inkling of a call to ministry. (Yes, my first call experience came at General Conference, further proving God’s extraordinary power to operate in unlikely places.)

The incompatibility clause and funding ban were in effect as I first felt called to ordained ministry and a few years later when I publicly acknowledged that call. My husband Len and I publicly acknowledged our commitment to each other at our wedding, two days after the 1980 Book of Discipline went into effect, still upholding the incompatibility clause and other homophobic laws. Len and I publicly affirmed our calls as we were ordained deacons soon after the 1988 General Conference, which once again affirmed anti-LGBTQ+ legislation. And so it went, with the most punitive laws by far being approved at the 2019 special General Conference.

With all these public acknowledgments, I had never publicly come out. I spoke about it privately, including with Len throughout our relationship and our children as they came out. It seemed like a moot point. Being bisexual while faithfully married just meant there were more people with whom I couldn’t have sex.

Our Gen Z kids see things differently. Coming out is one way of being authentic while creating room for others, not just to live truthfully but simply to survive. As my kids put it, “This is a terrifying time to be queer, and it helps to see you living as an out queer person.”

Last year, our children, Moth and Katherine, asked to include my portrait in Moth’s art show, which Katherine, the director of an art foundation, helped curate. The show, titled “Look!”, featured portraits of LGBTQ+ friends and family, and they wanted to feature their “bisexual mother.”

The kids reminded me of the support their dad and I had given them and their LGBTQ+ friends. Moth wrote, “Dear old mother … You are an awesome, loving mom, and I would like to borrow your momness for my show. You will not get another chance to come out in an art show for queer people that is partly dedicated to you.”

Yes, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but not one I was eager to accept. Len had just been diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. I was overwhelmed by the burden of care and knowing that he did not have long to live. I was engaged in stressful General Conference strategy meetings and had recently suffered through a brutal 6 ½-month complaint process for officiating at the wedding of Moth and our daughter-in-law Abby.

Ultimately, I was happy to be in the show and to know Len was happy, too. The placard by my portrait read, “Rebekah has been happily and faithfully married to her husband Len for 42 years. Her marriage to a man makes her no less bisexual — no less queer.” The opening of Moth’s art show doubled as their mother’s coming out party.

Now, as the new Discipline goes into effect, I am growing accustomed to life as a widow and to another level of coming out. At this historic time, when the incompatibility clause is finally gone, I am delighted to come out as a gay woman. My story of coming out as a lesbian at 64 is just one of many stories of women coming out later in life. For some women, sexual attraction is fluid, especially over the course of a lifetime. As we mature, we may deepen into recognizing and accepting who we know ourselves to be.

Why come out now? My kids remind me that people with privilege and security (like tenured full professors) should use their privilege well. “Many people can’t be out now because they fear violence and discrimination,” my kids tell me. “This is a hard time to be gay.”

The kids are right. This is a hard time, and we have work to do. We rejoice in these momentous changes while acknowledging that it’s still unsafe to be out in many parts of our church. LGBTQ+ youth are still at much higher risk for homelessness and violence. We need more than a change on paper for LGBTQ+ people to be fully welcomed in our churches, for LGBTQ+ pastors to be able to come out, and for LGBTQ+ kids to feel safe and loved. If I can “lend my momness” and my privilege as a pastor, tenured professor and woman of faith, I am happy to do it. That’s a cause worth coming out for.

My kids also remind me that “people are happier when they can be authentic about who they are. Isn’t that true for you, too, Mom?” It has taken me decades to get here, but I trust the kids are right. On this happy day in my life and the life of our church, I thank God that our young people will be coming of age in a more open, inclusive church than the one in which we grew up. May it be so.  

The Rev. Dr. Rebekah Miles, Susanna Wesley Professor of Ethics and Practical Theology at Perkins School of Theology at Southern Methodist University, is a five-time General Conference clergy delegate from the Arkansas Conference. Miles was also elected as a clergy alternate to the most recent General Conference but withdrew from the delegation when she changed her conference clergy membership to avoid a second complaint process after officiating at a wedding at the request of a young clergyperson who could not risk the mandatory minimum penalty of a one-year suspension without pay. She is a board member of Reconciling Ministries Network. Miles and her late husband, Len Delony, have three adult children — Moth, Katherine, and daughter-in-law Abby.