Are We There Yet?
Photo Courtesy of Jack Shitama
It’s cliché, but I was one of those kids who asked that question on a long car trip. As I got older, I realized the best way to shorten a trip was to sleep. It was like magic. Go to sleep in one place and be magically transported to another when you awake. Either way, arriving made me happy.
Unfortunately, most of the rest of life is different. When we have a big goal and achieve it, we feel like we have arrived. For a little while. Then the feeling disappears and is replaced by a sense of emptiness.
This is what Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar has named as the “Arrival Fallacy.” As he is quoted in this NY Times article, “Arrival fallacy is this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness”
In life, unlike a car trip, we never arrive.
The arrival fallacy is a reminder that achievement doesn’t make us happy. In fact, according to Dr. Ben-Shahar, “The No. 1 predictor of happiness is the quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. In other words, relationships.”
That being said, I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t try to achieve meaningful goals to make a difference in the world. Just don’t expect to ever arrive. And make sure you don’t neglect the people you care about in the process. It’s always about balance.
And there’s good news. According to Dr. Ben-Shahar, it’s HAVING goals, not reaching them, that makes us happy. Having personal and professional goals helps add direction and purpose to our lives. When those goals are based on our values, then every bit of progress we make toward them helps us feel like we are making a difference, that we’re getting somewhere (even if we never truly arrive).
I realized that I have figured out how to do this intuitively. When I’m driving on a long car trip, I focus on a milestone that’s about an hour away. That becomes my destination within a destination. When I reach that milestone, I set another. I do the same thing on long runs and big projects.
But more than anything, I try to keep the big picture in mind. Why am I doing this? What difference am I trying to make? This helps me focus on the journey and not the destination. This helps me celebrate progress, not arriving.
My guess is that when the pandemic is over, we’ll be happy and relieved. At least for a little while. Then we’ll be on to the next thing, whatever it is. Are we there, yet? Nope. In the meantime, make the most of the journey.