Photo Courtesy of Craig L. Adams
Wedding rings
We were in Thailand recently for our daughter’s wedding. She and her husband met here while traveling 10 years ago. They’ve been together ever since. When they decided to get married she had a big decision to make.
Among the people she wanted most to be here, besides immediate family, were her three aunts; my sister and two sisters-in-law. Ultimately, she decided on immediate family only. It wasn’t an easy decision. She realized that if she invited her aunts, then she would have to invite others. It gets hard to draw the line after that.
This is what surrounding togetherness pressure feels like. Sometimes it comes from others in the family system. They explicitly tell you what they want you to do. Other times it is internal. There may or may not be explicit pressures from others, but you feel a pressure to conform inside.
Self-differentiation is the ability to define one’s own goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressures.
It happens on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes you can self-differentiate. Other times you can’t. I’ve found that the higher the perceived emotional stakes, the more difficult it is to self-differentiate. I say “perceived,” because it’s our own perception of surrounding togetherness pressure that creates anxiety. It may or may not be there.
Self-differentiation is different from selfishness or self-centeredness. The latter two don’t really care what others think because there is no emotional connection. There is no concern for others. It’s exactly our concern for others that creates the pressure to conform. The difference is the ability to say what you believe, without disconnecting emotionally; to show care and concern, even when you might upset someone else with your stance.
“I know this might upset you, but I feel this is what I need to do.”
My own anxiety in this situation was around how my mother would respond. She is 96 and for years has been on my daughter to get married. She would say, “I want to see you get married before I die.”
The surrounding togetherness pressure I felt was if my mom were upset about not being invited to the wedding. If she "triangled" me, I would then feel pressure to convince my daughter to invite her. Being self-differentiated means getting out of that triangle (or avoiding it altogether) by not taking responsibility for my mom’s upset.
I played that conversation in my mind repeatedly trying to figure out how I would remain a non-anxious presence. I realized I owed it to my daughter to respect her wishes, while I owed to my mother to not take on her pain.
Edwin Friedman said, “I am on the side of pain rather than comfort.” He meant that rather than trying to help others avoid their own emotional pain, we should let them work through it while staying connected to them.
Here’s how the conversation with my mother went:
“Erin and Sergey are getting married in Thailand next June.”
“In Thailand?! I’m not sure I want to fly that far.”
“You’re not invited.”
“Oh…OK.”
What I discovered is that the most direct approach worked best. She might have tried to get me to intervene, but I was prepared to say, “It’s her wedding. This is what she wants and I support her decision.”
Fortunately, as we’ve gotten older, both my mother and I have gotten better at being direct and owning our feelings. It’s not perfect, but I have learned how to express myself to her. This has helped me to self-differentiate more often in other anxiety producing situations.
Families are important. Learning how to function in healthy ways is a life’s work. But, it’s work that is worth doing.
The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland. This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.