Masks, Flags, Statues and Self-Differentiation

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The mask debate reaches all corners of society. The church is no exception. Some folks won’t go in a church without one. Others won’t go in if they are required.

This goes to the heart of polarization these days. Our country has lined up on different sides of a variety of issues. Here’s a partial list: immigration, abortion, Obamacare, Black Lives Matter and LGTBQ rights.

Symbols matter. Flags have always been powerful symbols. Statues have been so to a lesser degree but today both are symbolic of significant polarizing issues. And the most recent symbol that reflects our political and cultural divide is the mask.

If you spend any amount of time reading the news, watching your favorite biased news channel or consuming social media you’re likely to encounter opinions that will get your blood boiling. It’s also possible that on social media that opinion might come from somebody you know and respect.

So how does a non-anxious leader navigate all this? Here are a few suggestions.

Avoid a conflict of wills.

Nobody likes to be told what to do.

When you try to convince another you’re right and they’re wrong, it’s only likely to cause them to harden their position.

Jesus tells us to not to judge and to love our enemies. It’s important to accept the other person as they are, no matter how challenging you believe their opinion is.

And I would say in the vast majority of cases the people who disagree with us are not our enemies. They just disagree with us. Of course I do believe there are people on the extremes who are doing evil. And I believe that in the case of racism, silence by well-meaning white people has allowed that evil to continue.

But, in general, people who disagree with us are not evil. They may not even be our enemies (they may be friends). Jesus calls us to love them and not to judge them. Doing this is at the heart of being a non-anxious leader.

Say what you believe while giving others the freedom to disagree.

This is what a non-anxious leader does. She needs to say what she believes or she’s not leading. But she can’t compel others to agree with her. Even in employment situations a leader can tell employees what to do, but they may not give their best effort if they don’t agree. They’re even less likely to give their best effort if they aren’t allowed to express that disagreement.

Martin Luther King Jr. called out racism for what it was over 50 years ago. Dr. King made clear what he believes. And while he was unwavering in his denunciation of racism as evil, he did not try to compel white people to agree with him. Rather, he invited them to follow.

People aren’t always going to follow when you lead in this way. But you can be guaranteed there will be sabotage if you tell those who disagree with you that they have to follow you.

Listen.

The key to leadership through self-differentiation is staying emotionally connected to those who resist your leadership. Connection creates emotional space, which leaves room for possibility.

Listening creates connection because it shows that you care what someone else thinks even if they disagree with you. Taking a sincere interest in what someone else thinks is a sign of respect and maturity. It might even change your mind. That’s not a bad thing. More important, it creates opportunity.

There is a clergy couple that I have known for 30 years. When we first met none of us were clergy. We’ve also known for a long time that we disagree about our denomination’s stance on LGBTQ inclusion. But we have stayed connected. We’ve listened to each other and have fostered mutual respect. I’m grateful that they have done the things that I suggest in this post.

I listened to a recent worship service at their church. They invited several black leaders from their mostly white church to share their experience of racism. My friends asked questions and listened. It was powerful. I don’t know if it changed any minds, but I can’t imagine that people weren’t emotionally moved.

My friends have asked me to participate in a worship service to continue their fledgling work to dismantle racism. So even though we strongly disagree on one important issue, the emotional space created by their non-anxious leadership enables us to work together on another. For this I am grateful.

The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland.  This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.