Process and content
Photo: Nicolas Herrbach
Edwin Friedman said there is a time to pursue facts, that is content, and there is a time to avoid content and focus on emotional process.
When someone comes to you and they are self-differentiating, by saying what they believe in a healthy way, then that is a time to pursue facts. That's the time to buckle down and listen and engage and try to work out the best solution, even if it's not what you believed going in. That's a healthy conversation.
One clue for whether someone is self-differentiating is who they are defining. If they are defining themselves in a non-anxious way, then feel free to engage the content of the conversation. If they are defining you, especially if they are highly anxious, then you want to avoid content. For example, if they are blaming you for whatever is going on in their life, they are defining you. They are avoiding taking responsibility for self.
This can also take the form of triangling. If they are uncomfortable with something or someone and they blame you for it and/or want you to fix it, then you want to stay connected to them without engaging in content.
The best way to do this is to listen. This enables you to avoid a conflict of wills, where each of you is trying to convince the other that you’re right. Listening shows the other that you care for them enough to hear what they have to say. It enables you to stay connected without debating the issues (content).
Listening will also help you to observe emotional process. What is going on in the life of other? What’s really bothering them? This will help you to remember that their anxiety has less to do with you and more to do with something else going on inside of them. You’ll be less likely to take things personally AND you’ll be more likely to show compassion for the other.
All while you don’t argue and don’t agree. That’s the tension between process and content. It’s worth embracing it.
Recommendations
This week's recommendations help to understand what's going on inside of us.
Emotionally Intelligent People Use the Rule of Reframing to Change Their Perspective, Think Different, and Reduce Anxiety by Justin Bariso. Edwin Friedman said nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, then it wouldn't be a problem. Reframing gives you a chance when your own anxiety wants to sabotage you.
What are the Effects of Trauma? by Alison Cook. Reframing is great, but sometimes our wounds run deep. Dr. Cook does a great job of explaining trauma, especially the four survival responses. She reminds us that God is the one who heals and that happens in relationship with others.
Podcast
Episode 221 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, This Is How Self-Differentiation Makes You a Trustworthy Leader, is now available.
That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.