Helping ‘Good Men’ End Domestic Violence

by

Special to United Methodist Insight

Sometimes unusual beginnings can become a calling.

In 2014, I attended a Monday noon meeting of the Nashville Rotary Club where once a week several hundred men and women meet at the Wild Horse Saloon in downtown Nashville.

On this occasion, a new friend met me near the door. “I just met this woman and I think you need to meet her,” he said. “I’ll save you a seat.”

I was soon introducing myself to Pat Shea, president of the YWCA for Middle Tennessee.

“What do you do?” she asked.

I told her that I was the chief executive officer of the agency of the United Methodist Church that supports men’s ministries and scouting ministries.

She immediately responded, “I need you to be at gym at Montgomery Bell Academy at 8:30 Thursday morning.”

Yes, she was that blunt.

She explained that on that occasion, a nationally known speaker on domestic violence would be leading a workshop on the root causes of domestic violence for coaches of high school, college, and professional athletic teams. The coaches of the Nashville Titans National Football League and the Predators National Hockey League would be among the attendees.

What Pat did not know was the week before our meeting, a good Christian friend of mine had painfully recounted his daughter’s beating by her husband. Adding to that pain, was the daughter’s husband’s so-called strong Christian faith that allegedly gives the “head of the household,” the right to physically restrain a disobedient wife.

The Thursday morning meeting was frank, rough-edged, direct, and uncomfortable. The blame for domestic violence was placed on the men in the room. Other speakers discussed what a “real man” does and made a point that men who abuse women have no place in our society today. The message was absolute.

Coaches were encouraged to establish clear rules: “Abusive behavior will not be tolerated. There are no exceptions. No matter how good you are, violence against women will cost you more than just your spot on a team.”

Some attention was directed to the women in the room. They were told, “One violent outburst from a lover is rarely a one-time event, and under no circumstance is being abused your fault. It is never ‘normal’.”

The leadership team answered tough questions, “Do women abuse men?” “Yes, at a fraction of the number of men, and, while we are on that topic, a woman refusing to have sex with you, does not constitute ‘abuse’.”

While this meeting focused on high school, college, and professional teams, it was clear the church was mostly silent on the subject of domestic violence.

Long before my friend told me about the violence against his daughter, I was aware that the church was mostly silent on issues related to domestic violence. I knew some Christian men use the Bible to treat women as property rather than as a partner. Also, if there were discussions on domestic violence, they never addressed the many “micro-aggressions” men commonly use on women.

My attendance at that meeting led me to many additional meetings with the staff of the YWCA. At the same time, our work with small groups was finding new interest, and the results were transformational.

We addressed specific Scripture passages which have been used to justify physical abuse against women and the far greater number of passages which portray domestic violence as a sin.

Within the YWCA committees are men and women who represent Muslim, Jewish, and other faith groups. When we pointed out how many more passages in our holy texts drastically outnumber the texts used to justify domestic violence, they pointed out that was the same in their sacred texts.

Following countless meetings, research, and writing, we created an eight-week study titled Amending through Faith.

Through these sessions, men:

  • Learn why violence against women is a problem and explore how our culture supports violent behavior.
  • Explore how both men and women are harmed by a culture that supports violence against women.
  • Learn what Scripture tells us about what it means to be a man.
  • Develop skills to recognize and challenge the behaviors that lead to violence.

During the pandemic, the rate of domestic violence increased, and unfortunately the use of this resource did not. While most of our experiences with this resource have been with men who meet in person, we have also created an eight-week program via Zoom, so why wait?

All the materials are available from the General Commission on United Methodist Men.

Contact me or Rick Vance if you have questions.

The purpose of this program is for good men to change the culture that permits and promotes violence against women.

Gil Hanke serves as the top staff executive of the General Commission on United Methodist Men. For additional information or to order material, click here.