Learning to Fly in the Valley of Suck

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UPDATE: Heather Hagler, wife of the Rev. Ken L. Hagler, died June 12 after a courageous battle with colon cancer. Ken announced her death with this Facebook post, a reference to one of their favorite fantasy books, The Lord of the Rings trilogy:

"She has passed into the Undying Lands."

We at United Methodist Insight extend our deepest condolences to the Hagler family, along with our profound appreciation for Ken's willingness and ability to document the spiritual journey of Heather's dying. We mourn together with all who knew and loved Heather.

I realized today “I’ll Fly Away,” is a terrible hymn to sing when your best friend and the love of your life is dying.  Sorry, but I really had a hard time singing this hymn today.  I know she will soon fly away and I know her pain will be over but it does not change the reality of how bad the valley of suck can get when your spouse is leaving this world.

I do not want her to fly away.  I want her back.  I want her the way she was when we first started our newest adventure at Bethelview UMC.  I want her back so the children of this wonderful church could hear about Jesus from her.  I want her back so she will be there for all the next steps her own two children are going to be taking into adulthood.

But the Garden of Eden is no more.  It was blown to pieces by sin and what was left was this valley of suck.  And theologically speaking, yes, sin has corrupted this world and it has led to death; awful forms which have been imagined by human beings and forms that come from mutated cells and destroy lives, families, and dreams.  

I don’t want her to fly away but I do not get a say.  

But I did have a say about going to our Annual Conference for North Georgia United Methodist Churches today.  I could have bowed out but there were friends and mentors retiring so I tried to make it in time.  That did not happen.  Even so, I stayed through the Service of Remembrance where the clergy and clergy spouses and lay leaders who died this past year are recognized.

I was okay till it got to the last hymn.  The whole service I kept meditating and praying and listening, “God what am I here for?”  Then we started singing “I’ll Fly Away.”  I was not sure where I was anymore.  There was such a joy and excitement around me but I did not have it.  I did not get it.

Then, God said listen.  Then, God said look.

And as I listened and as I looked I realized this is what I needed.  Just like Nyquil, which tastes terrible and works wonders, this was medicine to my soul.  While I maybe walking in the valley of the shadow of suck, it will not last.  One day, I will sing again but it is not my day to sing with joy.  No, today I sing with sadness and grief.  Even so, I was with the Church of Jesus Christ in Athens, Georgia made up of a bunch of United Methodist Christians and I sang a song of hope on a day when my hope was crushed.

One of the most important means of grace I see taken for granted is the grace of worshipping God together.  We miss the grace which comes to us when we gather with other followers of Jesus.  When we get our feelings hurt and our underwear in a bunch because someone didn’t do things our way and so we leave, we miss grace.  When we turn so far in on ourselves, then we cut ourselves off from grace only available in moments of worship with other people.  When we demand everyone to be perfect as we are, we miss a whole lot of grace. I am glad I stayed through worship. I needed today so I could see the valley of suck for what it is: a place we pass through on our journey.  It is not the destination.  

Emotionally, I could not stay after the song ended.  But had I stayed, then I would have been present when the entire Annual Conference stopped and prayed for Heather, our kids and me.  I still received grace from all who texted me and told me of the prayer.  What grace might I have received had I been there?  Don’t know nor will I dwell on it either.  I got grace enough for this day.  I glimpsed wings flying away beyond the valley of suck to undying lands where grace abounds and love prevails.  I can't help wonder if we're not meant to learn how to fly in the valley of suck? Hmmm.

No matter how dark the shadows grow, you need not walk the valley alone.  You are not supposed to do it that way. In the valley, we are to walk together; in community.  Jesus did not call one, he called twelve.  

May I Ask: Who are you walking with through your valley?  

May I Suggest: Take time to consider what you are expecting out of church.  Reflect on the disciples with Jesus and the churches where Paul sent letters.  How perfect were they?  How perfect are you or your situation? 

The Rev. Ken L. Hagler of Cummings, Ga., is a clergy member of the North Georgia Annual Conference. He blogs at Jedi Pastor Ken.