Why Do They Stay? Queer Voices Share Their UMC Experiences

Part 2: Those Who Stay But Disconnect

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Editor's note: For the past year, sociologists Nancy L. Malcom and A. J. Ramirez have been interviewing LGBTQ United Methodists on why they choose to stay in The United Methodist Church despite the denomination's policy that "homosexual practice is incompatble with Christian teaching." Pseudonyms have been assigned to all interview participants and other uniquely identifying information has been changed or obscured. This research was approved by the Human Subjects Institutional Review Board at Georgia Southern University, research protocol #H22207.

The following interviewees have (for now) made the decision to stay in the UMC, though their experiences are varied.

“I get to take communion again!”

In his 60s, Nick is a gay man who worships with his husband at a reconciling congregation in the Western Jurisdiction. Both Nick and his husband were raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

“With the Mormon church, we were excluded," said Nick. "I’ve been excommunicated. My husband tried to get excommunicated but ended up having his name removed instead.”

Nick describes his first experience in a United Methodist Church as almost overwhelming. “When we walked in the doors, I can tell you that this congregation knew exactly what to do with us, and that was just simply to put us to work and to love us up and down and all around. And they just embraced us."

"Over the next couple of weeks, as I started to sit there and listen to the pastor and hear the words that all could take communion and that I didn’t have to be a member of any church, it was just like stunning to me because I never thought that I’d be able to ever, after having been excommunicated in the Mormon church," Nick said. "The thought of taking communion was never a part of my radar and so having that happen, it’s like, oh, I’ve got to step back and think about this, because it’s like, I get to take communion again!

"To have that back in my life and to be able to go to the table as a community was really, really powerful.”

Nick goes on to explain that this experience “helped me kind of turn things back around with God. Because when I was excommunicated, I was done.”

Even so, the 2019 General Conference once again threatened Nick’s sense of religious belonging.

“It was difficult," he said. "I was angry because I’ve been through this once before. So my anger was because I’ve been through this before and I didn’t think I was really going to have to again.”

Nick and his husband ultimately decided to remove their membership from the UMC, even though they continue to worship with their local Reconciling congregation. In making this decision, they met with their pastor and fellow congregants.

“What was healing for us to move out of that anger phase was sitting down with members of our congregation. We went and visited them at their homes, and we let them know what we were planning to do and why we were doing it, and we met with each of those families and individuals, all of those people, I mean it was a moving experience to be able to know that they were in full support and understood what we were doing and why.

"They wrapped their arms around us to let us know that what was more important was being able to continue our relationships and friendships as Christians, that whatever happened, whether we would stay or leave, that we could always trust that they were there to be supportive.”

Nick points out that the only thing that’s changed is “I don’t have a vote, but the reality is that I feel very much at home and cared for.”

Would Nick and his husband ever consider re-joining the UMC? “Yes. Once those two stipulations go away – that I’m no longer incompatible and my pastor can marry me without any kind of retribution. I’m back, yes, absolutely.”

“It has driven me crazy for the last year.”

Emily is a 66-year-old woman from the Northeastern Jurisdiction who identifies as homosexual. She has been active in her local UMC congregation for most of her adult life.

“I just feel like Sundays, I should go to church," she said. "I come out of church with a smile, my week just seems to go better.”

Emily was closeted when she first joined the church, but after a few years she decided to come out to her pastor.

“I told him because I was being asked questions about my life that I couldn’t answer without people finding out. I thought he should know and be prepared," she said. "He was very accepting and supportive.”

Since that time, there have been several pastors appointed to Emily’s congregation, each with differing views on LGBTQ+ inclusion and affirmation. When describing one previous pastor, Emily says, “He barely talked to me. He was not an open person at all.” But Emily describes her current pastor as more approachable, even though “he’s pretty conservative. Is he there for same-sex marriage? No, he’ll tell you that.”

Despite the current pastor's conservative leanings, Emily explains, “We have had talks about homosexuality, life of being gay and the church. He has really become more open on the subject, but he still isn’t sure about same sex marriage. He does though treat me like everyone else and will ask how my wife is since she doesn’t go to church very often.”

Emily points out that she was already married by this point, and they “had to have a minister from another denomination marry us. We wanted to be married by a minister and it would have been nice to get married in our own church and denomination, but that wasn’t and still isn’t an option. I hope this can change for others in the future.”

Though Emily has decided to stay in the UMC, she concedes that her decision to remain has been a difficult one. Emily went through a rough time after the 2019 General Conference when she did consider leaving.

“I checked out some other places, but they are all dying churches, to be honest, and one is going WCA – which is like, fine, go!' she said. "So I ended up going back. It has driven me crazy for the last year. Honestly, I’ve thought about going to a counselor, because it was just, shall I stay? My wife won’t go back to church until the Book of Discipline changes. She doesn’t go anymore… I went there for twenty-some years without worrying about it.”

Emily describes her local congregation as mostly open and friendly.

“On the whole our congregation has been very nice and open to me and my wife," she said. "Everyone talks to me, and I can talk about my wife and home life. There is a small group of very pro-gay folks. I’m sure there are some folks in the church who would rather I’m not there, but I don’t worry about them as most people are nice and that is why I have stayed.”

This feeling of welcome and acceptance is what has kept Emily tied into the UMC.

“I feel like a normal person because I can talk about my family life. I can talk about whatever with them, just like you were a normal person. Because that isn’t always how it is. I worked in a place for twenty years that I never said a word about my family …  I have been stressed on and off about the whole situation, trying to decide what to do … Today I am on a ‘go with the flow for now’ so I can live without all the stress.”

Part 1: Those Who Choose to Stay

Part 3: Those Who Continue to Struggle with Staying

Dr. Nancy Malcom (she/her) is a sociologist at Georgia Southern University whose research and teaching focuses on gender, childhood, and sports.  Recent publications include “From William’s Doll to Jacob’s New Dress: The Depiction of Gender Non-Conforming Boys in Children’s Books from 1972 to 2014” (Journal of Homosexuality, 2018) and “Negotiating the Funhouse: CrossFit Women and the Looking Glass Athlete” (Women in Sport and Physical Activity Journal, 2021). She is a member of Pittman Park UMC in Statesboro, Ga.

Dr. A. J. Ramirez (she/her) teaches Sociology and Women’s & Gender Studies at Valdosta State University.  Her academic interests include sexism, gender discrimination, racism, LGBTQ issues, and education reform by incorporating systemic approaches. She teaches Race, Class, & Gender, Introduction to Social Problems, Global Feminism, Queer Theory, Feminist Theory, and LGBT Studies.  Dr. Ramirez also practices as a Professional Counselor in Valdosta, Georgia. She is a member of a new Reconciling church start in Valdosta sponsored by Centenary UMC in Macon, Ga.