This week I watched as numerous government officials resigned their positions in the Trump Administration. Previously loyal elected officials criticized the President, accusing him of instigating protestors who broke into the Capitol while Congress was receiving the Electoral College count. My take on this is that these appointed and elected officials were fed up.
This is not a political post. It’s about leadership. Whether or not you support President Trump is not the point here. My goal is to look at what the events of this week can teach us about leadership.
Leadership through self-differentiation is the ability to clearly express where you believe the family, congregation or organization you lead should be headed, while staying emotionally connected to those who most resist. Self-differentiation is the ability to claim or express your own goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure.
The problem many Republicans faced over the last four years was the surrounding togetherness pressure created by the President. For him, loyalty is everything. Publicly disagreeing with the President was nearly always taken by him as disloyal. The party had become one voice and that voice was President Trump’s.
Leadership through self-differentiation is different. It’s the ability to say what you believe, while giving others the freedom to disagree. Forcing others to agree with you will increase anxiety. Giving them the emotional space to disagree actually increases the chances that they will CHOOSE to follow.
I believe what happened this week is that many who have felt they had to choose between following President Trump or getting ostracized got fed up. This is a gift.
Whether you’re in a bad relationship, a toxic congregation or a dysfunctional organization, not being able to express what you believe will suck the life out of you. When you finally get fed up, you no longer care enough to conform to the surrounding togetherness pressure in the system. This is freeing.
Self-differentiation includes caring about others, but not to the point of wanting to control others, define others, or needing others to define ourselves. So to some extent, taking responsibility only for one’s self and not for others is like not caring. As long as there is still emotional connection, this creates the emotional space to allow people to move closer in healthy ways.
The problem comes when we care so much that it causes us to overfunction and/or to make demands of others. This destroys emotional space and will push others away. We end up coming across as bossy, demanding or needy.
Another problem is when we give in without saying what we believe. We tend to get resentful and cynical because we feel boxed in, even smothered by the surrounding togetherness pressure.
In situations like these, getting fed up can be a gift.
Regardless of which side of the relationship you’re on, getting fed up will cause you to care less. You’re done trying so hard to make things work or to take responsibility for others. As long as you can regulate your own anxiety, then getting fed up will enable you to focus on taking responsibility for yourself and not the other.
This creates a sense of freedom that can help you to better self-differentiate. It will also create emotional space in the system to allow for positive change. It doesn’t always happen. The response of others is up to them, not you. But the fact that you’ve gotten fed up is a clue that nothing was going to change if things stayed the same.
Family systems theory predicts that things will get worse before they get better. When you work toward self-differentiation, it will initially increase the anxiety of others in the system. If you can remain a non-anxious presence and not get drawn into a cycle of reactivity, things will get better.
So the next time you get fed up with a family member, co-worker, your church, organization or your political party, don’t react and fight back. Self-differentiate. You’ll be surprised at the power it has to change things for the better.
Jack Shitama 2019
Jack Shitama
The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland. This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.