What to Do When Things Don't Go Your Way

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One thing I tell parents when I’m promoting summer camp is that when their child comes to camp, she won’t always get her own way. It’s true. Camp is about living in community. Campers have to work together, follow a schedule and sort out their differences.

This is a great thing for young people to learn. Life is hard. We don’t always get our own way. Learning how to deal with challenge is a part of growing up.

This past week my denomination, The United Methodist Church (UMC), gathered to consider whether or not it would change its current prohibition against ordaining LGTBQ persons, as well as allowing churches and ministers to hold same sex marriages. The vote was not a surprise. Slightly over half (55%) voted to keep the prohibition. That means that for nearly half of the delegates, things didn’t go the way they think God is calling The UMC.

I’m not just writing this for the minority. As leaders, we often encounter challenges where things don’t go the way we think they should. Effective leaders are able to remain a non-anxious presence, even in the face of very anxiety-producing situations. So, wherever you might stand on this particular issue, I think you’ll find these three suggestions helpful.

Don’t Blame

Blame is a loser’s game. It avoids taking responsibility for your own position and your own response. A non-anxious presence realizes that the only thing she can control is how she will respond to challenge. Blaming others is a distraction that makes this harder, if not impossible.

Instead, take time to reflect on what this really means for you and how you will remain a non-anxious presence. Think in terms of what you will do about it in a positive, helpful way. Put feelings of helplessness aside.

Edwin Friedman reminds us that in the vast majority of circumstances, a major influence in the outcome is the response of the one being challenged. This is true for even the most challenging situations. Viktor Frankl, found that those who survived the holocaust, like himself, had one thing in common: they had a sense of purpose. Purpose gives hope, and hope sustains persistence. Blame does the opposite.

Don’t Get Defensive

This is the other side of the coin. Defensiveness is anxiously justifying your own anger or frustration. Like blaming, getting defensive only hurts you. It also raises the anxiety level of others.

According to Psychology Today, defensiveness is one of the four patterns that lead to divorce (along with criticism, contempt and stonewalling). It’s easy to spot defensiveness in others. They are immature and unable to manage their emotions. Nobody likes to have a conversation with a defensive person.

When you get defensive you are not only avoiding taking responsibility for yourself, you are also pushing others away. It won’t help, and will likely make things worse.

Show Grace and Respect

I will often share that people don’t negotiate their closely held values. I riff on why I think this is so in a recent podcast episode.

Here’s the thing: in the large majority of cases, the people with whom we disagree are not evil. They may be misguided (your opinion), but they are simply trying to live out their beliefs and values.

Showing grace and respect is not a negotiating ploy. It’s not going to change anybody’s mind. What it does is free you from focusing on the other, so you can focus on how you will respond to challenge.

None of these suggestions prevent you from taking a stand. They do prevent you from the distraction of worrying about your opponents instead of yourself. You may not get the result you’re looking for, but that’s life. Things don’t always go your way. How you respond can make things better or worse. It’s your choice.

The Rev. Jack Shitama serves as executive director of Pecometh Camp & Retreat Ministries in Maryland. This post is republished with permission from his blog The Non-Anxious Leader.