Talkin' Southern to the Church

by

Views from a Ridge

As I’ve written before, I am a GRITS (Girl Raised in The South). While I have disavowed and abhor the shameful racist history of my region, I cherish the Southern culture of colorful metaphors that can be used to express one’s deepest emotions. We Southerners use our regional aphorisms to grease the frictions of life; often they help us stay together even when we want to fly apart.

That’s partly why I’m grateful to producer, actor, dancer, and now author Julia Fowler for her new book, Talk Southern to Me. She is the creator of the Southern Women Channel on YouTube, which offers some of the funniest sayings of Southern Women (and Southern Men), even if some of them have to be saved for use outside of church. Our language might confuse or amuse, but certainly it rings true when you think about it.

In the spirit of my heritage, I thought it would be fun for a change to offer a kind of Southern Woman response to recent religion news. My metaphors are drawn from Ms. Fowler’s book and from the various Southern sages whose wisdom has sustained me through the years. This is for my Mama and Daddy, my Granny Buie (a Methodist church planter, BTW), my Aunts Pearl, Catherine, and Jane, and my cousin Sandra, who’ve all gone home to Jesus. I still hear your voices, dear ones.

To Paige Patterson: Bless your heart, y’all got no more sense than a possum eatin’ sweet taters in the middle of the road. Tellin’ wives to stay home and get beat up ever’ night? You done brought a skunk to your Baptist picnic. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if they brought store-bought cake to your funeral.

To Franklin Graham: Bless your heart, boy, act like you got some raisin’. Your mama Ruth Bell Graham and your daddy Rev. Billy Graham would be so disappointed in you. When did God put you in charge of deciding who’s Christian, as if Jesus didn’t love “progressives” and “liberals” as much as a Baptist congregation? If y’all get any more tacky, you’ll be chewing gum in the choir loft!

To Episcopal Bishop Michael Curry: Bless your heart, Bishop, your sermon on love at the Royal Wedding was better than a hot buttered biscuit! Could y’all please send copies to Rev. Patterson and Rev. Graham, just to make sure they see it? Even if sometimes the juice ain’t worth the squeeze? Thank you kindly.

To Former President Jimmy Carter: Bless your heart, President Carter! Y’all walked right up to the podium at Liberty University and spoke like Jesus: We need to learn “how to get along with potential enemies instead of how we can prevail in combat.” Amen and pass the peanuts!

To the congregations that have already voted to leave The United Methodist Church: Bless your hearts and your livers, too! My stars and garters, but news reports make y'all sound like a sack full of rattlesnakes. For Jesus' sake, see President Carter’s remarks.

To the 6,000 Women at the United Methodist Women’s Assembly: Bless your hearts, all y’all are finer than frog’s hair and rarer than hen’s teeth. I could just kiss the sugar off your cheeks, ‘cause y’all are the heart of the church and its mission. Remember: We’re not gossipin’; we’re discussing prayer concerns!

As Julia Fowler sweetly puts it: “Tell your Mama an' nem I said hey!”

United Methodist Insight Editor and Founder Cynthia B. Astle was born in Pittsburgh, Pa., but she was raised in Florida by way of North Carolina connections and now lives in Texas. She can lapse into the accent of her youth quicker’n Grandpa can spit tobaccky juice into a can. She married an unrepentant Yankee, John Astle, but her family loves him just the same.